Monday, March 2, 2015

Delphic Maxim

When I turned 30 and received my key to the kingdom of relationship insightsyou'll know more when you get there, I'm not really supposed to talk about itI finally understood why so many people spend their twenties in relationships where they're less liked than Gwyneth Paltrow.



Our twenties are quite possibly the worst time to seek out a romantic partner. When we're in our twenties, we are actually terrible judges of our own character. But ask any twenty-something and they'll tell you how they're smarter than the average person. And harder working. More mature and pragmatic. Less likely to panic in a crisis. And a better driver.

But by thirty, both you and your potential mate, will have had a few real world experiences under your belt to give you a better sense of the person you truly are. By thirty, it's likely you've dealt with a profound personal or professional setback; or the death of a loved one; or a serious health issue; or been dishonorably discharged from your position as office safety monitor because following 
the 2011 earthquake rather than lead a group of lawyers to safety, you ran for the hills to save yourself while shouting, "I'll see the rest of you in hell!"

Once you've established this heightened sense of self, your dating sensor becomes equally honed and highly sophisticated. Sorta like that computer screen lens thing the Terminator used. 




You're able to instantly analyze the data received from a potential dating partner and calculate the likelihood of a successful union. For example:

Hipster skinny jeans + PBR + misuse of irony
= MISMATCH

Popped collar polo shirt + hair gel + douchey sense of entitlement
= MISMATC

Suit and tie + piercing blue eyes + aura of education + demonstrates basic empathy towards others 
= TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE—



*Wham Wham* Sorry about that.

It will still occasionally malfunction. Which I tried to explain to that judge, but he went ahead and charged me with eleven counts of lewd conduct anyway.

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