The Doctor Is In

My parents must have thought that with three grown children they'd surely would have at least one grandchild by now. Or so they tell us every family get together. But whether it's a sign of the changing times, or that gypsy my dad hit with his car, continuance of the family lineage has been in a holding pattern.

But for once, my family finds itself on the normal side of a social trend. As the status quo shows, humankind is responsible for both a steadily climbing average age of marriage as well as sky-high national divorce rate. Considering there are at least eleven other species who mate for life, one can't help but wonder, if swans are able to establish and maintain lifelong committed relationships, what makes it so difficult for people to determine how to successfully pair off?

According to its website, eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren has the answer to this very question. He spent three years developing his hypothesis on the key concepts to a successful relationship. What is this groundbreaking theory? That, for relationship purposes, it's better to match up people who are more alike than it is to match up people who are less alike. Now personally, I'm inclined to believe a clinical psychologist could have put a quarter decade's worth of his time to better use. Has our ability to find and facilitate successful relationships deteriorated to the point that we need doctors, clinical studies, and website memberships to point us towards people who share our values and away from ones who don't?

And while my initial reaction is that it's likely Dr. Warren has contributed to long-term relationship success about as much as Dr. Pepper has contributed to long-term relationship success, I must admit that relationship dynamics are a complex tapestry and analysis of such is probably best left to the experts.

Buuuuut, for the sake of argument, I'll try my hand at resolving the below couple's quarrel to see if intuition, reason, and basic logic can reconcile a routine relationship issue:

"DEAR ABBY: My husband has ice water with every meal. During breakfast and dinner he loudly crunches all of the ice in his glass throughout the meal. I have asked him not to do it at the dinner table, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. At breakfast, I usually eat in another room and wear noise reduction headphones. I'm deaf in one ear and have only about 60 percent hearing in the other. We have been married for more than 30 years and he claims he has "always" done it and it's part of his enjoying his meal. Am I selfish to ask that he not crunch while I'm sitting next to him?
-- HATES THE CRUNCHING IN NEW MEXICO"

Love the Run You're With

In October of 2000 or 14 years ago, I started running. That's right, my running career is now a teenager. And just like any relationship with a teenager, we have all the same misunderstandings, petty squabbles, and elaborate power struggles.

I'm currently training for the 2015 Rock 'n' Roll DC Half Marathon. With almost a decade and a half of running experience on my resume, training should be relativity obstacle free, right? Enter the dreaded Runner's Slump. Just what is a Runner's Slump and why does it make getting up at 5:30am to run 5 miles in 30 degree temperatures seem less than appealing? 

I can't help but compare this Half Marathon's training to previous Marathon training and find it lacking. When I was 23, 25, 27, and 28 I was bounding out of bed at 6:00am ready to hit the pavement for a 5 miler with my girlfriends. At 33, my morning run feels more like I'm trying to convince an overweight house dog to go out during a rain storm. "Stop growling at me, you need to go outside! Oh God, how did you get stuck under the bed?"  

So how do you beat a Runner's Slump? There are endless articles suggesting every imaginable technique from varying your routine to mental breaks to increased training but I'm going to propose a drastically different theory: you don't.
   

I'm simply not going to run the same way now as I did in my twenties. In all likelihood, going forward, 75% of my runs will just really really suck. And I'm okay with that. Accepting my worst running, no matter what slow, plodding, awkward gait it takes, is the only way through my Runner's career and any slump I encounter along the way. Because once I stripped back the demands, the expectations, the competition, it's just me running. And that's all I ever came to do.     

Still, I'll always have affection for the twenty-something runner I was for ten years. After all, she was my ride here. 

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part VI

1) In 2013, Guinness World Records named Breaking Bad the highest-rated TV series of all time, largely due to Bryan Cranston's powerful portrayal of protagonist Walter White. But for me, his greatest role will always be Hal.

2) How does 2015 look for your finances? Grim, according to eleven different economists, financial markets will plummet.
3) Hy-Brasil is one of history's more famous phantom islands. In Irish myths, it's said to be cloaked in mist, except for one day every seven years. Unlike most phantom islands, it regularly appeared on maps for nearly 200 years. 
4) A snipe hunt is a type of practical joke that involves experienced people making fun of credulous newcomers by giving them an impossible or imaginary task.
5) The Specious Present is the time duration wherein one's perceptions are considered to be in the present. Time perception studies the sense of time, which differs from other senses since time cannot be directly perceived but must be reconstructed by the brain. Other explanations include: 

Southern Comfort

I'm not saying there's a shortage of southern gentlemen in DC, but I've lived in the area for seven years now and the last man to open a door for me was a locksmith.

Southern gentleman in the Washington Metro Area come around as rarely as a blue moon or a Republican who doesn't sound like he's acting on orders from the planet Unetav.

The trouble is, the area is teeming with the Southern Gentleman's natural enemy: the bro.

Bro outbreak? Try "Bro Bomb" by the makers of "Bro Be Gone"

Bros can be identified by their pastel hues, gelled hair, and of course, douchey sense of entitlement. Spotting a bro is also often accompanied by the overwhelming desire to punch him in the face until your hand breaks. If there's still confusion, please refer to the below test to assist in categorizing your specimen:

Subject holds his liquor like a:
(a) Gentleman.
(b) Sixteen year girl.

Subject has taken a picture of himself using his own cell phone, then posted said picture onto his Twitter account:
(a) Good Lord no. A man would rather kill himself.
(b) Yes, five time since the start of this question.

Subject can drive a manual car:
(a) Yes. Never driven anything else.
(b) Like, you mean on Grand Theft Auto?

Subject has discharged a firearm:
(a) Of course. But only in a safe, responsible manner as the Second Amendment allows.
(b) That's what SHE said!

If subject answers (b) to even one of the above questions immediately commence with punching him in the face until your hand breaks.

However, if subject answered straight (a)s, Congratulations, you've found yourself a genuine, slow-drawled, rough-handed cowboy! Other signs include: increased tolerance of whiskey, him guiding you through crowds with his hand on the small of your back, and bra beginning to unhook itself.