Monday, April 24, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VII - Color Edition

5) What happens when you throw a white hat into the Black Sea? Well first the shop owner threatens litigation even though it was clearly a display model and your publicist assured you that he'd spoken with the shop owner and he was on board with this stunt and you were willing to do nudity despite their insistence otherwise-oh yeah, it gets wet. 
4) Blue comes out as the clear color favorite among the old, young, men, women, across nations, by a substantial margin. While blue does possess a pleasing hue and is associated with heartwarming characteristics such as trust, honesty and loyalty, there's no clear link between the shade and its staggering popularity.
3) Greenbacks owe their name to their introduction in 1929 when the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing opted to use green ink both because the color was high in its resistance to chemical and physical changes and also the ready availability of the green pigment at the time.
Image result for greenbacks
2) Aurora Borealis or "Northern Lights" are a natural color and light display that occurs in high latitude (Arctic and Antarctic) regions.
1) Why is the blue jay always so sad? His family died.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VI

5) UNC trumped Gonzaga to become the 2017 NCAA Tournament Champions. It was their whopping 47th tournament appearance while my own Alma mater UCONN makes only a bashful 33.  But we'll always have this 2004 college blackout when UCONN decimates Duke in the Final Four.


4) A 2011 article by CNN explains why some people actually hate their birthdays.

3) Do it again. Cause if you don't...


2) Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water. Now my tea will never be ready...
1) A stands for Apple. A always stands for apple, there's nothing we can do about that,



Saturday, March 4, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part V

5) I'm in the market for a mentor like Jack Donaghy.


4) I've been practicing the Thriller dance since 1982 just in case Michael Jackson comes back as that zombie. Safety-first.




3) Werewolf bar mitzvah, Spooky scary Boys becoming men...men becoming wolves.....



2) Soundsnap can satisfy with your audio needs with a large bank of sounds like laser bursts and an impressive collection of fart sounds organized by depth, breath, and length.
1) The man asked a question...
 Reschedule my

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part IV

5) A Newton's cradlenamed after Sir Isaac Newton, is a device that demonstrates conservation of momentum and energy using a series of swinging spheres. When one sphere (ball) at the end is lifted and released, it strikes the stationary spheres (balls); a force is transmitted through the stationary spheres and pushes the last sphere upward. Basically, a lot of ball play.



4) Marie Curie is the only person to win a Nobel Prize in two different sciences, Physics in 1903 and Chemistry in 1911.
3) W-wait marijuana helps MS? Time to update my treatment plans.


2) Here comes the hotstepper.



1) I've lived in DC for just under a decade and seen it through two marathons, five law firms, an undetermined number of men, bipolar and MS, think I need a new town. To leave this all behind.




Friday, January 27, 2017

If this then that

5) If you think you're good at reading people, then you've probably renewed your Match subscription for the seventh time. When meeting someone on a first date for coffee and a pastry, I'm often certain I look calm, confident and just the right amount of slutty but studies have shown it's far likely actually look like a certain blue monster with an infinity for baked goods.

4) So why are there so many loud-mouthed mean-spitted assholes convinced they have superior head smarts? 
3) But for every Donald Trump, there are those who have even one of these 29 Signs from LifeBuzz that the things in your life are going better than you think. If you've made the best of a tough situation? If you've overcome the judgment of others, or yourself, if you've gone out of your way to help someone, than, don't worry Rock Star, it turns out you're killing it
2) If you'll be watching Super Bowl LI, fel free to join me at any local bar where I'll be drinking myself into a blackout to avoid watching who the victor of of this Superbowl-with a letter for fuck's sake-become either The New England Patriots, or football's version of a spoiled rich kids the New England Patriots or the Fa-ahum er-sorry, the Fal- well this is probably a better way to introduce them.

1) If your 2017 horoscope is optimism and positive, expect positive, fresh new beginnings because you are headed your way. Or not, astrology is about as reliable as pixie dust. However it did assure me UCONN would win the NCAA tournament this year. They're still working on the over-under.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Worst Day Ever

January is a rough time of year. With its yuletide debt, post holiday weight gain, and temperatures as comforting as a Scottish dungeon, people find January so bleak that the last Monday of the month has been dubbed Blue Monday. This year's Blue Monday promises to be the quite literally the worst day ever: January 16, 2017.




If you're anxious to shake yourself out of this wintery slump, studies have shown that consciously practicing gratitude has a substantial impact on your mood, outlook, and overall happiness. Tallying the things that you're grateful for, no matter how big or small, can substantially raise your spirits during the bleakest of winters.



The hectic pace of D.C. can make it easy to overlook those tiny nuggets of happiness and good fortune in our lives, so in the spirit of appreciation, I took stock of 5 things that I'm grateful for:

5) Living in DC without getting robbed (that sort of street crime only happens in Old Town Alexandria);


4) Unlimited champagne when you get your nails done at Mimosa;


3) The Unicorn Commute: when the train arrives just as you get to the platform, no delays, and you get a seat with a fresh copy of the The Express under your seat,. Yahtzee;


2) 15 years of running;





1) Maintaining gainful employment despite choosing English as my college major (with a minor in useless literature). Suckers...

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Sharks and Sheep

Ever since college where we learned fundamental life skills like living away from home, choosing a non-Liberal Arts major, and how to shotgun a beer, I'd resigned myself to the notion that the English major's lot in life was to see the nuance and beauty in an otherwise mechanical, left-brained world, and not perhaps drive economic trends, truly understand what a hedge fund is, or say things like: "Divide my assets between my 401k and my Roth IRA," or "We don't need to find a different ATM. My balance is high enough to cover the foreign ATM fee."

And I was okay with that. Truly fine with the notion that what I lacked in capital, I made up for in my ability to shotgun a beer. Certain that society needed both sharks and sheep. Career-driven capitalist every bit as much as hippy humanitarians. The "Type-A" predators with their smart, aggressive life and career decisions, and those of us content to bumble through job and relationship choices with all the calculating ruthlessness of a nurse shark



But then the universe, who'd always been up for shotgunning a beer with me, handed this sheep a series of personal, professional, and medical misfortune.   

Anyone who's experienced any type of adversity wants to feel there's a deeper meaning behind it all. Like a Super Mario Brothers game where of course it's hard to get through the Mushroom Kingdom but you can take pride in your collection of coins, Fire Flowers, and ultimately saving Princess Toadstool.    

But sometimes it seems like the empathy, altruism, and social awareness I've accumulated from my hardships have the real world worth of Fire Flowers. And, at times, that can be difficult to reconcile. Like a t-shirt that reads, "I've Been To Hell And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt".

But unlike sharks, that's when sheep [who are very deep thinkers, no citation] remember that there's significance in both our failures and our triumphs. How are we certain? There has to be.  

“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning" ~C.S. Lewis

Monday, December 5, 2016

How the Trump Stole 2016

Every liberal in the District liked democracy a lot...
But the Trump, who lived west of D,C,, Did NOT!

The Trump hated elections. The whole democratic season!
Please don't ask why, we don't know the reason [right wing fruitcake]

Some say that his hair was always trying to escape
Some say that his shoes knew this was a giant mistake

But I think, that perhaps, the most likely reason of all,
was simply his leadership was two sizes too small [that's what SHE said!]

Whatever the reason, his smarts or his shoes,
The weeks before inauguration, he stood hating the Jews,

And Mexicans, and Muslims, and ugly women, and fat women, and immigrants, and the poor, and Arianna Huffington, and Mitt Romney, and debates...

But now that the Trump was the president-elect,
He knew great waves of sadness was all anyone could expect

Yet hope didn't diminish, instead our faith even grew
And the Trump, with his hair and his skin's orange hue,
Puzzled and puzzled "How could this even be true?"

He puzzled 5 hours (in truth, less than 2 minutes)
"It came with out bribes! It came without snitches"
"It came without me moving on any bitches!!"

Our Nation united, prepared to lead on our own if we must
Maybe, just maybe, it's our own direction we're to trust

So in 2016 some people still say,
That the electoral college grew 74 sizes that day.

"Women are the largest untapped reservoir of talent in the world." ~Hillary Clinton

Sunday, November 13, 2016

That's great! It starts with an earthquake

What if Michael Stipe was onto something?

Usually my study of the bible involves skimming the water-to-wine story while waiting for the scotch to kick in, but now the words "President-elect Donald Trump" can be said outside of a psychiatric ward 

Image result for trump

and protest flood the streets, Doomsday prophets are fearing ends times in 2017. It was time to flip to the back of this thousand-page paperweight and see how the story ends.

Revelations probably won't make it onto Oprah's Book Club list. Compared to the rest of the New Testament, it's a real downer. A lot fewer McFish sandwich miracles, a lot more multi-headed beasts.

Much of Revelations reads like an exaggerated bar story. Like the Apostles were hanging out one night and John had a little too much shakar. "Wait, wait guys so I was sayin' this beast 
has these five—no seven—seven heads! An' ten horns, like at least ten horns!" Thomas is rolling his eyes and Matthew is pissed off because he always ends up being the designated driver, "Goddammit John, that beast has more heads every time you tell the story, what's up, you said you could hang!"

Personally, I feel a little mislead that after twenty-six books featuring the sort of easy-going, son-giving, non-vengeful God you feel like you could have a real future with...he decides to smite the shit out of us after all.

Talk about a misleading Match profile:


Yahweh
seeking women 25-39
within 20 miles of the Mountain of Zion

Have kids: Yes, they sometimes live at home (1)
Faith: Spiritual but not religious
Interests: Loving mankind, forgiving their sins

Drink: Social Drinker

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Election Edition

1) The strongest poker hand in a particular situation is called “the nuts". Trump has confused this with "being nuts".
2) 
A nebula is an interstellar cloud of dust, hydrogen, and other gases. What makes them so unique is that unlike other mixtures of unless gas

Donald Trump - Getty Images
Nebula are astoundingly beautiful.
NGC Nebula
3) The number 888 holds a spiritual message.
Your life purpose, goals, and dreams are supported by the angels, the entire universe, and you will be compensated justly for sharing your gifts and shining your unique light into the world. Jeez divine guidance, get off my jock.
While the number 555 is the sort of easygoing, good natured spiritual message you could grab a beer with.
Great things are about to take place in your life. And Lakshmi, the goddess of prosperity and abundance is there to pick up the tab.
4) I think it's time to acknowledge the staggering number of 2:00am otherworldly visitations aren’t due to some alien altruistic agenda to advance mankind but rather simply the extraterrestrial equivalent of a booty call. "Why haven’t you called me back?? I left you like a thousand crop circles??"
It gets lonely in space...
5) Trump's here to offend others (Muslims, Asians, the disabled, women, PTSD, Mexico, refugees, Jews, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, you, me) and cause irreparable damage to the Republican Party. And he's all out of people to offend...
Image result for trump memes whats the difference between trump and

Saturday, August 27, 2016

There's Waldo

When you have a mental illness, it feels like your life path becomes limited. As a social misfit with perceived special abilities your career options narrow down to (1) member of the X-Men; or (2) loner shut-in who freelances as a speech writer for Donald Trump.
Natasha Tracey addresses this dichotomy in her article Do the Mentally Ill Have to Be Extraordinary to Be Accepted?

Otherworldly brilliance, extraordinary talent, and creative genius are buffers that soften the Stigma of what it means to have a mental illness. And while some research has shown a correlation between mental illness and certain characteristics attributed to high functioning achievement, the underlying message remains that mental illness is something a person must compensate for. You can't have a mental illness, you're not a rocket scientist. Nice try, Mr. Poe, no one else hears the ravens, back to your padded cell.  


Image result for game where you remove bones and it buzzedImagine everyone was held to the same standard. Suddenly the days of innocent errors such as bad moods, awkward conversations, and social faux pas became redflags of a pending psychological meltdowns. This analysis would be generously provided by friends and family—but only those with the medical training of Hasbro—and don't forget to dilute the Stigma of mental illness with astonishing acts of brilliance so that it's tolerable to the masses. Like checking the clorine level of a public pool.

So get started on becoming the most famous and influential figures in the history of Western art.






And for the truly remarkable, just how do you explain that you've yet to complete a 4th marathon?



What what

That's when I find comfort in the "Where's Waldo" book series. We've hunted for this stripped joker since 1987 having no idea who he is or even his last name. We don't know what he's up to or why he's always so lost, but he coasts contently past giants, gladiators, mermaids, on the beach when he likes, dropping his shit all over the place for someone else to find. Now if that isn't the actions of mental illness, I don't know what is. Waldo could easily be on the lam, owe someone money, or be a poorly dressed, disoriented, serial killer, but there's remained a strange satisfaction in finding him for over a quarter century.


The power, and maybe even origin, of Stigma is that we like finding what we're looking for. It organizes chaotic feelings and issues. So if we can embrace this sketchy wanderer without judgment or prejudice, maybe Stigma can be similarly reprogramed by stripping away the expectations and suspicions and simply viewing everyone as harmless but lost travelers who are just trying to find their way home.







Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Olympics Edition

5) The longest unbeaten Olympic Reocord is held by Bob Beamon for his long jump during the 1968 Mexico City Summer Olympics with a jump measuring in at a staggering 27 ft. 4 in.

4) The Pierre de Coubertin medal "is one of the noblest honours that can be bestowed upon an Olympic athlete."
3) In 1996, the Summer Olympics were held in Atlanta Georgia. The Women's Gymnastics Team, dubbed the Magnificent Seven, won the Gold over the Russians in the team competition, a victory highlighted by the now famous vault of Kerri Strug.



2) In 1992, despite battling a torn hamstring, Derek Redmond was able to complete a complete lap in the 400 metre with the aid of his father who'd broken through dozens of guards and onlookers to help him finish the race. he received a standing ovation as he crossed the finish line.


1) In 1980 Winter Olympics at Lake Placid, New York, a group of rag tag American hockey players made up of amateurs and collegiate players rallied to win Gold over the power house Russians (who play the villains in nine out of ten Olympic movies). Team USA eked out a slim 4-3 lead which they clung to for the final 10 minutes. In the final minute, Sportscaster Al Michaels, who was calling the game on ABC, who delivered his famous call:



"11 seconds, you've got 10 seconds, the countdown going on right now! Morrow, up to Silk. Five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in miracles?! YES!!!"

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part III

5) Convinced you're a charming people person? Think again. Forbes identifies 13 traits of likeability which include listening, genuineness, and interest in others. Absent these qualities, you may in fact just be an asshole.

4) Or you really are a funny guy.


3) The three species of camels are best known for the distinctive fatty deposits or "humps" on their backs. Less notable characteristics include their sharp, ruthless sense of revenge.
Image result for soon camel funny
SOON...
2) It's estimated only 2% of the world's population has green eyes, making them as rare as heterochromia iridis (having two different color eyes).
1) I went on a wonderful date last night. I've got a great feeling about this guy, Keyser Söze he might be the one.



Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part II

5) 20% of Mensa members are left-handed while only 7% to 15% of the general population is. Mensa requires a score in the 98% on certain IQ tests resulting in an approximate IQ of 140.
4) I can only assume the richest families in the world have mo problems.

3) The Dyatlov Pass incident is an eerie event that occurred on February 2, 1959 when nine highly experienced hikers died in the Ural mountains. The following investigation yielded more questions than answersIt was discovered the hikers had frantically cut through their tent racing into the night barefoot or partially clothed.


All were found with 
bizarre injuries, such as broken bones, a severely fractured skull, and one hiker was missing her tongue and eyes. The inquest could only determine the causes of death as the result of an "unknown compelling force".
2) The most popular Monopoly game piece by far is dapper Top Hat. Look the part, be the part. The back story on the remaining pieces is about as exciting as the
Iron.
1) At 20601 Bohemian Avenue, Monte Rio, California the all male, highly classified, and slightly homoecrotic Bohemian Club hosts an encampment each year. Attendees include the worlds most prominent heavy hitters from business executives to U.S. presidents. The club motto is "Weaving Spiders Come Not Here". So sorry Ralph, you have to stay home.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Presidents Day, Independence Day, Inauguration Day, et al

When I woke up this Veterans Day morning I thought about two things: why did my neighbors set their alarms damnit, its a holiday and my little brother.


He's an Intel Specialist for the Army and holds one the highest level of security clearance. Not a true top-tier secret squirrel, but enough so that what he does is simply referred to as "work" and this post required five drafts before it was approved for publication.

At 6 feet tall, 225 pounds, he has the type of presence you get from a heavily-narrated Morgan Freeman movie. Animals are oddly drawn to him. When he left for basic training, my parents dog lapsed into a three month long depression and gained 10 pounds.

Civic duty and service are the sort bureaucratic buzz words he'd never use to describe what he does. Silly and redundant compared to the experiences he's shared. The fellow solider who joined the Army after his entire family was killed during an uprising in Syria, to the 12 hour shift he took sitting with a solider suffering from PTSD to ensure he didn't comimit suicide, to the Drill Sergeant who jumped on top of a live grenade that was mis-thrown during a training exercise (the grenade, 1 of about 100 used that day, was a dud).

It culminates into a combination of worry and respect. I worry that some right-wing fruitcake will finagle his way into office and his inane ramblings will keep the U.S. locked in combat for years to come.

But I respect what my brother, and all the servicemen and women, absent motive or political agenda, are willing to give.


Graves at Arlington on Memorial Day.JPG

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Sharks and Sheep

Ever since college where we learned fundamental life skills like living away from home, choosing a non-Liberal Arts major, and how to shotgun a beer, I'd resigned myself to the notion that the English major's lot in life was to see the nuance and beauty in an otherwise mechanical, left-brained world, and not perhaps drive economic trends, truly understand what a hedge fund is, or say things like: "Divide my assets between my 401k and my Roth IRA," or "We don't need to find a different ATM. My balance is high enough to cover the foreign ATM fee."

And I was okay with that. Truly fine with the notion that what I lacked in capital, I made up for in my ability to shotgun a beer. Certain that society needed both sharks and sheep. Career-driven capitalist every bit as much as hippy humanitarians. The "Type-A" predators with their smart, aggressive life and career decisions, and those of us content to bumble through job and relationship choices with all the calculating ruthlessness of a nurse shark



But then the universe, who'd always been up for shotgunning a beer with me, handed this sheep a series of personal, professional, and medical misfortune.   

Anyone who's experienced any type of adversity wants to feel there's a deeper meaning behind it all. Like a Super Mario Brothers game where of course it's hard to get through the Mushroom Kingdom but you can take pride in your collection of coins, Fire Flowers, and ultimately saving Princess Toadstool.    

But sometimes it seems like the empathy, altruism, and social awareness I've accumulated from my hardships have the real world worth of Fire Flowers. And, at times, that can be difficult to reconcile. Like a t-shirt that reads, "I've Been To Hell And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt".

But unlike sharks, that's when sheep [who are very deep thinkers, no citation] remember that there's significance in both our failures and our triumphs. How are we certain? There has to be.  

“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning" ~C.S. Lewis
    

Friday, May 13, 2016

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Friday the 13th Edition

5) Alfred Hitchcock, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Nate Silver are among the celebrities born on a Friday the 13th
4) The origin of triskaidekaphobia or fear of Friday the 13th is actually unknown. But some research suggests that because the number 12 is considered a perfect number or number of completeness, number 13 simply seems super lame by comparison. 
3) Tupac Shakur died on Friday, September 13, 1996.
2) There are some seriously spooky events that have occurred on a Friday the 13th. 
1)
 Image result for friday the 13gth funny