Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VIII


5) It's not like I collect coins or anything but this one is going in my shiny box.

4) Last night I held Aladdin's lamp / And so I wished that I could stay.

3) Find yourself reminiscing about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and pondering which of the Shredder fighting foursome was the most Cowabunga? To the relief of ninjas everywhere Cracked examined this very issue and determined Ralphel, while only a mediocre painter, is the most radical of all the turtles.


Image result for raphael ninja turtle
2) A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
1) And I never mention what he's like in bed.



Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VII

5) You either unican or you unican't.


4) Born December 15,1687, Sir Isaac Newton allegedly discovered the theory of gravity when he saw an apple fall from a tree. This story hasn't been verified (and is also super lame, really never seen anything fall before?) Them apples aside, Newton is regarded as one of the most influential scientists of all time and a key figure in the scientific revolution. Regrettably, the discovery of gravity now prevents us from being being able to fly. Expect me of course.
3) Most muppets are left handed.

2) Ever wonder which letters made it onto those eye charts optometrists use? Called LogMAR charts and created by NatSeriousional Vision Research Institute of Australia in 1976 eye scientist picked particular letters designed to enable a more accurate estimate of visual acuity. While these nerds earned scientific and medical recognition for putting random letters onto pieces of paper, I received my English Major.

Image result for eye test chart

1) The Medal of Honor is the highest most prestigious military decoration awarded to the United States Armed Forces. This honor, which is personally presented by the President, requires recipients meet the following criteria: 
distinguish themselves through conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty:
  • While engaged in action against an enemy of the United States; 
  • While engaged in military operations involving conflict with an opposing foreign force; or 
  • While serving with friendly foreign forces engaged in an armed conflict against an opposing armed force in which the United States is not a belligerent party

Friday, May 12, 2017

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: Part VI Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.~C.S. Lewis

5) Multiple sclerosis has never gotten anyone laid. Like ever. Not even Mr. Sclerosis.
 Image result for multiple sclerosis funny
4) My dog thinks about squirrels mostly, so I'm glad Snoopy is pulling his weight.

Image result for jokes about multiple sclerosis
3)
2)

1) 

MDs say it's MS, 
'Plains the pain and confusion,

And that call with Forest Whitaker was just a delusion
(he still called back)

Saturday nights are now at a local infusion center
(Stabby Ralph's still there but he's doing much better)


Now's the time for practical meds, hobbies, and hair,
Ralph we're cancelling our El Salvador time share,

Following my first 

TYSABRI® infusion


MS changes life, won't know how, won't know when,
So if you're dealt this hand, ante-up, raise, 
 and all in


Monday, April 24, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VII - Color Edition

5) What happens when you throw a white hat into the Black Sea? Well first the shop owner threatens litigation even though it was clearly a display model and your publicist assured you that he'd spoken with the shop owner and he was on board with this stunt and you were willing to do nudity despite their insistence otherwise-oh yeah, it gets wet. 
4) Blue comes out as the clear color favorite among the old, young, men, women, across nations, by a substantial margin. While blue does possess a pleasing hue and is associated with heartwarming characteristics such as trust, honesty and loyalty, there's no clear link between the shade and its staggering popularity.
3) Greenbacks owe their name to their introduction in 1929 when the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing opted to use green ink both because the color was high in its resistance to chemical and physical changes and also the ready availability of the green pigment at the time.
Image result for greenbacks
2) Aurora Borealis or "Northern Lights" are a natural color and light display that occurs in high latitude (Arctic and Antarctic) regions.
1) Why is the blue jay always so sad? His family died.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VI

5) UNC trumped Gonzaga to become the 2017 NCAA Tournament Champions. It was their whopping 47th tournament appearance while my own Alma mater UCONN makes only a bashful 33.  But we'll always have this 2004 college blackout when UCONN decimates Duke in the Final Four.


4) A 2011 article by CNN explains why some people actually hate their birthdays.

3) Do it again. Cause if you don't...


2) Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water. Now my tea will never be ready...
1) A stands for Apple. A always stands for apple, there's nothing we can do about that,



Saturday, March 4, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part V

5) I'm in the market for a mentor like Jack Donaghy.


4) I've been practicing the Thriller dance since 1982 just in case Michael Jackson comes back as that zombie. Safety-first.




3) Werewolf bar mitzvah, Spooky scary Boys becoming men...men becoming wolves.....



2) Soundsnap can satisfy with your audio needs with a large bank of sounds like laser bursts and an impressive collection of fart sounds organized by depth, breath, and length.
1) The man asked a question...
 Reschedule my

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part IV

5) A Newton's cradlenamed after Sir Isaac Newton, is a device that demonstrates conservation of momentum and energy using a series of swinging spheres. When one sphere (ball) at the end is lifted and released, it strikes the stationary spheres (balls); a force is transmitted through the stationary spheres and pushes the last sphere upward. Basically, a lot of ball play.



4) Marie Curie is the only person to win a Nobel Prize in two different sciences, Physics in 1903 and Chemistry in 1911.
3) W-wait marijuana helps MS? Time to update my treatment plans.


2) Here comes the hotstepper.



1) I've lived in DC for just under a decade and seen it through two marathons, five law firms, an undetermined number of men, bipolar and MS, think I need a new town. To leave this all behind.




Friday, January 27, 2017

If this then that

5) If you think you're good at reading people, then you've probably renewed your Match subscription for the seventh time. When meeting someone on a first date for coffee and a pastry, I'm often certain I look calm, confident and just the right amount of slutty but studies have shown it's far likely actually look like a certain blue monster with an infinity for baked goods.

4) So why are there so many loud-mouthed mean-spitted assholes convinced they have superior head smarts? 
3) But for every Donald Trump, there are those who have even one of these 29 Signs from LifeBuzz that the things in your life are going better than you think. If you've made the best of a tough situation? If you've overcome the judgment of others, or yourself, if you've gone out of your way to help someone, than, don't worry Rock Star, it turns out you're killing it
2) If you'll be watching Super Bowl LI, fel free to join me at any local bar where I'll be drinking myself into a blackout to avoid watching who the victor of of this Superbowl-with a letter for fuck's sake-become either The New England Patriots, or football's version of a spoiled rich kids the New England Patriots or the Fa-ahum er-sorry, the Fal- well this is probably a better way to introduce them.

1) If your 2017 horoscope is optimism and positive, expect positive, fresh new beginnings because you are headed your way. Or not, astrology is about as reliable as pixie dust. However it did assure me UCONN would win the NCAA tournament this year. They're still working on the over-under.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Worst Day Ever

January is a rough time of year. With its yuletide debt, post holiday weight gain, and temperatures as comforting as a Scottish dungeon, people find January so bleak that the last Monday of the month has been dubbed Blue Monday. This year's Blue Monday promises to be the quite literally the worst day ever: January 16, 2017.




If you're anxious to shake yourself out of this wintery slump, studies have shown that consciously practicing gratitude has a substantial impact on your mood, outlook, and overall happiness. Tallying the things that you're grateful for, no matter how big or small, can substantially raise your spirits during the bleakest of winters.



The hectic pace of D.C. can make it easy to overlook those tiny nuggets of happiness and good fortune in our lives, so in the spirit of appreciation, I took stock of 5 things that I'm grateful for:

5) Living in DC without getting robbed (that sort of street crime only happens in Old Town Alexandria);


4) Unlimited champagne when you get your nails done at Mimosa;


3) The Unicorn Commute: when the train arrives just as you get to the platform, no delays, and you get a seat with a fresh copy of the The Express under your seat,. Yahtzee;


2) 15 years of running;





1) Maintaining gainful employment despite choosing English as my college major (with a minor in useless literature). Suckers...

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Sharks and Sheep

Ever since college where we learned fundamental life skills like living away from home, choosing a non-Liberal Arts major, and how to shotgun a beer, I'd resigned myself to the notion that the English major's lot in life was to see the nuance and beauty in an otherwise mechanical, left-brained world, and not perhaps drive economic trends, truly understand what a hedge fund is, or say things like: "Divide my assets between my 401k and my Roth IRA," or "We don't need to find a different ATM. My balance is high enough to cover the foreign ATM fee."

And I was okay with that. Truly fine with the notion that what I lacked in capital, I made up for in my ability to shotgun a beer. Certain that society needed both sharks and sheep. Career-driven capitalist every bit as much as hippy humanitarians. The "Type-A" predators with their smart, aggressive life and career decisions, and those of us content to bumble through job and relationship choices with all the calculating ruthlessness of a nurse shark



But then the universe, who'd always been up for shotgunning a beer with me, handed this sheep a series of personal, professional, and medical misfortune.   

Anyone who's experienced any type of adversity wants to feel there's a deeper meaning behind it all. Like a Super Mario Brothers game where of course it's hard to get through the Mushroom Kingdom but you can take pride in your collection of coins, Fire Flowers, and ultimately saving Princess Toadstool.    

But sometimes it seems like the empathy, altruism, and social awareness I've accumulated from my hardships have the real world worth of Fire Flowers. And, at times, that can be difficult to reconcile. Like a t-shirt that reads, "I've Been To Hell And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt".

But unlike sharks, that's when sheep [who are very deep thinkers, no citation] remember that there's significance in both our failures and our triumphs. How are we certain? There has to be.  

“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning" ~C.S. Lewis

Monday, December 5, 2016

How the Trump Stole 2016

Every liberal in the District liked democracy a lot...
But the Trump, who lived west of D,C,, Did NOT!

The Trump hated elections. The whole democratic season!
Please don't ask why, we don't know the reason [right wing fruitcake]

Some say that his hair was always trying to escape
Some say that his shoes knew this was a giant mistake

But I think, that perhaps, the most likely reason of all,
was simply his leadership was two sizes too small [that's what SHE said!]

Whatever the reason, his smarts or his shoes,
The weeks before inauguration, he stood hating the Jews,

And Mexicans, and Muslims, and ugly women, and fat women, and immigrants, and the poor, and Arianna Huffington, and Mitt Romney, and debates...

But now that the Trump was the president-elect,
He knew great waves of sadness was all anyone could expect

Yet hope didn't diminish, instead our faith even grew
And the Trump, with his hair and his skin's orange hue,
Puzzled and puzzled "How could this even be true?"

He puzzled 5 hours (in truth, less than 2 minutes)
"It came with out bribes! It came without snitches"
"It came without me moving on any bitches!!"

Our Nation united, prepared to lead on our own if we must
Maybe, just maybe, it's our own direction we're to trust

So in 2016 some people still say,
That the electoral college grew 74 sizes that day.

"Women are the largest untapped reservoir of talent in the world." ~Hillary Clinton

Sunday, November 13, 2016

That's great! It starts with an earthquake

What if Michael Stipe was onto something?

Usually my study of the bible involves skimming the water-to-wine story while waiting for the scotch to kick in, but now the words "President-elect Donald Trump" can be said outside of a psychiatric ward 

Image result for trump

and protest flood the streets, Doomsday prophets are fearing ends times in 2017. It was time to flip to the back of this thousand-page paperweight and see how the story ends.

Revelations probably won't make it onto Oprah's Book Club list. Compared to the rest of the New Testament, it's a real downer. A lot fewer McFish sandwich miracles, a lot more multi-headed beasts.

Much of Revelations reads like an exaggerated bar story. Like the Apostles were hanging out one night and John had a little too much shakar. "Wait, wait guys so I was sayin' this beast 
has these five—no seven—seven heads! An' ten horns, like at least ten horns!" Thomas is rolling his eyes and Matthew is pissed off because he always ends up being the designated driver, "Goddammit John, that beast has more heads every time you tell the story, what's up, you said you could hang!"

Personally, I feel a little mislead that after twenty-six books featuring the sort of easy-going, son-giving, non-vengeful God you feel like you could have a real future with...he decides to smite the shit out of us after all.

Talk about a misleading Match profile:


Yahweh
seeking women 25-39
within 20 miles of the Mountain of Zion

Have kids: Yes, they sometimes live at home (1)
Faith: Spiritual but not religious
Interests: Loving mankind, forgiving their sins

Drink: Social Drinker

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Election Edition

1) The strongest poker hand in a particular situation is called “the nuts". Trump has confused this with "being nuts".
2) 
A nebula is an interstellar cloud of dust, hydrogen, and other gases. What makes them so unique is that unlike other mixtures of unless gas

Donald Trump - Getty Images
Nebula are astoundingly beautiful.
NGC Nebula
3) The number 888 holds a spiritual message.
Your life purpose, goals, and dreams are supported by the angels, the entire universe, and you will be compensated justly for sharing your gifts and shining your unique light into the world. Jeez divine guidance, get off my jock.
While the number 555 is the sort of easygoing, good natured spiritual message you could grab a beer with.
Great things are about to take place in your life. And Lakshmi, the goddess of prosperity and abundance is there to pick up the tab.
4) I think it's time to acknowledge the staggering number of 2:00am otherworldly visitations aren’t due to some alien altruistic agenda to advance mankind but rather simply the extraterrestrial equivalent of a booty call. "Why haven’t you called me back?? I left you like a thousand crop circles??"
It gets lonely in space...
5) Trump's here to offend others (Muslims, Asians, the disabled, women, PTSD, Mexico, refugees, Jews, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, you, me) and cause irreparable damage to the Republican Party. And he's all out of people to offend...
Image result for trump memes whats the difference between trump and