Thursday, May 26, 2011

Big Girl Bed

It really ties the room together.

For the better part of my 29 years, I've slept on a twin bed. And not having been institutionalized or incarcerated, there's no good reason why.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dinner by Ambien

Just when it seemed like it wasn't possible for God to have any more fun at the expense of my dating life, I realized my subconscious has been enjoying a rare, but real, side effect of the medication Zolpidem: sleep eating.

Luckily, it was recognized early on, about half a jar of peanut butter, a full box of ice cream sandwiches, three pounds, and
oddlyone beer in. It's comforting to know that while my subconscious is an uncontrollable food zombie, it's also a very responsible drinker. Maybe it planned to do a little sleep-driving later and didn't want to be too buzzed.

My family has a long history of nocturnal abnormalities. My little brother is a rageful sleeper-talker who verbally abuses my parents' fold-out couch each holiday season. Once, my older brother, in a dead stupor, tackled his college roommate because, he sleep-explained, he thought the roommate was a "fire bug." And when I was ten, my mother found me, drenched and dosing, in her shower at 3:00am.

I can't help but wonder why such traits kept slipping through my family's genetic cracks. Between midnight ranting, sleep bathing, and aggressive fire bug dealings, how our ancestors were not Darwined out of the food chain centuries ago is a mystery. Some people's children right?  


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

False Starts

Over the past few months no one's been more surprised than me by the handful of halfway decent posts I've managed to produce.

But even Barry Bonds doesn't a hit home run every time. While some posts received praise such as "insightful," "hilarious," and "readable," others, like the Wright Brothers' 1901 Glider, didn't quite make it off the ground.

But rather than delete these moderate musings, I celebrate this collection of semi-coherent conjuring. Among my favorites:
  • A dissertation I hoped to develop that would reveal the true identity of Jon Benet Ramsey's killer. 
    Abandoned when: the project required an amount time spent researching child murder rate statistics that I'll describe only as "too much."
  • A comparative analysis of the Nature versus Nurture debate. Abandoned when: I realized I'm so staunchly Team Nurture I could only visualize Nature bent over a table with a gag ball in its mouth.
  • A multi-pronged conspiracy theory involving the office cleaning staff stealing the peanut butter I keep in my desk drawer each night wherein the cleaning staff symbolized corporate America and the peanut butter my dreams. 
    Abandoned when: A close friend advised me that it was really, really stupid.