¿Qué?

I thought I was going on a date with Jack the "athletic, career-driven, professional who loved to travel" from eHarmony. Instead I met Jack the doughy, middle-manager, who had been to Canada that one time.

The disadvantage of online dating websites is that men are able to camouflage their flaws, shortcomings, and personality disorders into carefully crafted descriptors ranging from slight adaptations of truth to outright, bold-faced lies. Luckily, the resulting wagonload of disappointment can be avoided once you learn to speak the language:

"Discovering myself" = Unemployed

"Family man" = My kid(s) and baby mama(s) will hate you

"Let's meet for a drink" = I'll buy you dinner if you're hot

"Southern gentleman" = I’m a little bit racist

"Modern guy" = You're paying for your own dinner

"Ended last relationship on good terms" = I hate that whore

"Makes time for friends" = I’m at the strip club at least twice a week 

"Athletic" = I watch football 

"Outdoorsy" = You better like hiking because I’m broke

"Loves red wine" = I’m an alcoholic

"Nice guy" = I’ve never sexually satisfied a woman

Jennifer Aniston Edition

Jennifer Aniston. In five years she's plummeted from enviable A-Lister to Hollywood's resident sad sack. While it seems ludicrous that a multi-millionaire celebrity is dogged by the image of the pitied lonely girl, Aniston has seen the same sort of media backlash usually reserved for the Charlie Sheens and Lindsay Lohans of the entertainment industry.

But I maintain that although Aniston hasn’t engaged in blow benders or dog fights, she’s every bit as deserving of the negative press. When a celebrity slips from the Hollywood limelight, I believe the underlying cause is the public's response to how relevant that celebrity is. Sometimes the lack of relevance is obvious, the average person isn't in rehab four times and doesn't currently have a hooker locked in their bathroom, and sometimes it's more subtle, as in Aniston's case.

Had Aniston taken the social temperature before launching her five year pity party, she might have picked up on a few current events that make her plight appear less than significant. While she pouted, tanned, and sold overpriced water, America faced the most profound economic crisis since the Great Depression, elected the first African American president, experienced enormous overalls in our health care system, am I forgetting anything? Oh yes, troops aboard, the ever present threat of terrorism, 185 million gallons of oil in the ocean, Hurricane Katrina…. America has been simply too busy to indulge the tender emotions of another narcissistic celebrity. As a result, Aniston "exclusive interviewed" her way into her own irrelevance.

And her celebrity friends sure haven’t helped. Rather, they’ve done her a huge disservice. This out-of-touch group trumpets Aniston’s awesomeness and staunchly maintains that Angelina Jolie is homewrecking whore. But in fact, what Jolie has done with her past five years seems...pretty incredible. And the idea that Jolie masterminded Brad and Jen's demise while carefully orchestrating her own image through charitable work? Hollywood fruitcakes, like Chelsea Handler, scratch their heads at why this super juicy gossip is being ignored when the general public has long since evaluated the millions in donations, the adoptions, and the substantial time and energy devoted to civil service, and simply didn't care about the motive.

Look, we’re all sorry Aniston didn't get her happy ending. But she's had five years, which is way longer than any of our girlfriends would have listened to us, time to shut her beak, and move on.