¿Qué?

I thought I was going on a date with Jack the "athletic, career-driven, professional who loved to travel" from eHarmony. Instead I met Jack the doughy, middle-manager, who had been to Canada that one time.

The disadvantage of online dating websites is that men are able to camouflage their flaws, shortcomings, and personality disorders into carefully crafted descriptors ranging from slight adaptations of truth to outright, bold-faced lies. Luckily, the resulting wagonload of disappointment can be avoided once you learn to speak the language:

"Discovering myself" = Unemployed

"Family man" = My kid(s) and baby mama(s) will hate you

"Let's meet for a drink" = I'll buy you dinner if you're hot

"Southern gentleman" = I’m a little bit racist

"Modern guy" = You're paying for your own dinner

"Ended last relationship on good terms" = I hate that whore

"Makes time for friends" = I’m at the strip club at least twice a week 

"Athletic" = I watch football 

"Outdoorsy" = You better like hiking because I’m broke

"Loves red wine" = I’m an alcoholic

"Nice guy" = I’ve never sexually satisfied a woman