Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Fifty Shades of Stupid

One distinct advantage of utilizing dating websites for which I'm forever grateful is the "essay portion" of the online dating profile. Most dating sites display the standard stats: height, occupation, education, and then encourage you to go on and include additional information about yourself that your potential partner might find interesting. This prompt is intended to be the difference between a missed connection and a soul mate (e.g. No way, I thought I was the only one who acted out The Pirates of Penzance with my cats) but actually serves to alert you to potential narcissists, creepers, and weirdos.

As noted in a previous post, the more clever of the pack can sneak below our wackiness radar and enter into the dating pool. But the weaker members of the herd, less skilled at fraudulent word smithery, are forced to show their hand and lay their pair of crazies on the table. 

For example. I came across the profile of a fellow who shared the following tidbit about himself: He felt that his eyes changed color...

...based on his mood.

Like a mood ring, only way, waay stupi

Initially, I think, alriiight, stranger thing
s have happened, it's not outside that realm of possibility that this guy does have some sort of bizarre eye anomaly that causes a spontaneous change in eye color. And while linking it to his mood is so nonsensical my knee-jerk reaction is mercy kill him for the sake of future generations, this eye color change must be so dramatic and noticeable that he felt it warranted mention lest his date be startled. But he went on to elaborate. His eyes changed color - not from blue to yellow or hazel to red - but from dark brown.

Brown to dark brown. A hue differential so nondescript and utterly unnoteworthy that even M&M's recognized the insignificance and gave the tan color M its walking papers in 1997. And since that fateful day, no one has spent more than one minute of cognitive thought on the distinction between brown and dark brown, if for no other reason than unbridled fear that should they ad
dress an issue so staggeringly trivial they would be dragged into the streets and stoned for forcing anyone around them to opine, even for an instant, on the all encompassing idiocy of said concept.

Except for with shoes.