Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Election Edition

1) The strongest poker hand in a particular situation is called “the nuts". Trump has confused this with "being nuts".
2) A nebula is an interstellar cloud of dust, hydrogen, and other gases. What makes them so unique is that unlike other mixtures of unless gas

Nebula are astoundingly beautiful.

3) The number 888 holds a spiritual message.

Your life purpose, goals, and dreams are supported by the angels, the entire universe, and you will be compensated justly for sharing your gifts and shining your unique light into the world. Jeez divine guidance, get off my jock.
While the number 555 is the sort of easygoing, good natured spiritual message you could grab a beer with.

Great things are about to take place in your life. And Lakshmi, the goddess of prosperity and abundance is there to pick up the tab.

4) I think it's time to acknowledge the staggering number of 2:00am otherworldly visitations aren’t due to some alien altruistic agenda to advance mankind but rather simply the extraterrestrial equivalent of a booty call. "Why haven’t you called me back?? I left you like a thousand crop circles??"

It gets lonely in space...

5) Trump's here to offend others (Muslims, Asians, the disabled, women, PTSD, Mexico, refugees, Jews, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, you, me) and cause irreparable damage to the Republican Party. And he's all out of people to offend...

There's Waldo

Otherworldly brilliance, extraordinary talent, and creative genius are buffers that soften the Stigma of mental illness. And while some research has shown a correlation between mental illness and certain characteristics attributed to high functioning achievement, the underlying message remains that mental illness is something a person must compensate for. Natasha Tracey addresses this dichotomy in her article Do the Mentally Ill Have to Be Extraordinary to Be Accepted

So get started on becoming the most famous and influential figures in the history of Western art.

And where's the Nobel Prize for your Nash Equilibrium?

And for the truly remarkable, just how do you explain that you've yet to complete a 4th marathon?

What what

That's when I find comfort in the "Where's Waldo" book series. We've hunted for this stripped joker since 1987 having no idea who he is or even his last name. We don't know what he's up to, or why he's always so lost. But he coasts contently past giants, gladiators, and mermaids. Waldo could easily be on the lam, owe someone money, or simply be a poorly dressed, disoriented, serial killer, but there's remained a strange satisfaction in finding him for over a quarter century.

If we can embrace this sketchy wanderer without judgment or prejudice, maybe Stigma can be similarly re-programmed. Strip away the expectations and suspicions and simply view everyone as a harmless but lost traveler who is just trying to find their way home.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Olympics Edition

5) The longest unbeaten Olympic Reocord is held by Bob Beamon for his long jump during the 1968 Mexico City Summer Olympics with a jump measuring in at a staggering 27 ft. 4 in.

4) The Pierre de Coubertin medal "is one of the noblest honours that can be bestowed upon an Olympic athlete."
3) In 1996, the Summer Olympics were held in Atlanta Georgia. The Women's Gymnastics Team, dubbed the Magnificent Seven, won the Gold over the Russians in the team competition, a victory highlighted by the now famous vault of Kerri Strug.

2) In 1992, despite battling a torn hamstring, Derek Redmond was able to complete a complete lap in the 400 metre with the aid of his father who'd broken through dozens of guards and onlookers to help him finish the race. he received a standing ovation as he crossed the finish line.

1) In 1980 Winter Olympics at Lake Placid, New York, a group of rag tag American hockey players made up of amateurs and collegiate players rallied to win Gold over the power house Russians (who play the villains in nine out of ten Olympic movies). Team USA eked out a slim 4-3 lead which they clung to for the final 10 minutes. In the final minute, Sportscaster Al Michaels, who was calling the game on ABC, who delivered his famous call:

"11 seconds, you've got 10 seconds, the countdown going on right now! Morrow, up to Silk. Five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in miracles?! YES!!!"

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part III

5) Convinced you're a charming people person? Think again. Forbes identifies 13 traits of likeability which include listening, genuineness, and interest in others. Absent these qualities, you may in fact just be an asshole.

4) Or you really are a funny guy.

3) The three species of camels are best known for the distinctive fatty deposits or "humps" on their backs. Less notable characteristics include their sharp, ruthless sense of revenge.

SOON...

2) It's estimated only 2% of the world's population has green eyes, making them as rare as heterochromia iridis (having two different color eyes).
1) I went on a wonderful date last night. I've got a great feeling about this guy, Keyser Söze he might be the one.

Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Presidents Day, Independence Day, Inauguration Day, et al

When I woke up this Veterans Day morning I thought about two things: why did my neighbors set their alarms damnit, its a holiday and my little brother.

He's an Intel Specialist for the Army and holds one the highest level of security clearance. Not a true top-tier secret squirrel, but enough so that what he does is simply referred to as "work" and this post required five drafts before it was approved for publication.

At 6 feet tall, 225 pounds, he has the type of presence you get from a heavily-narrated Morgan Freeman movie. Animals are oddly drawn to him. When he left for basic training, my parents dog lapsed into a three month long depression and gained 10 pounds.

Civic duty and service are the sort bureaucratic buzz words he'd never use to describe what he does. Silly and redundant compared to the experiences he's shared. The fellow solider who joined the Army after his entire family was killed during an uprising in Syria, to the 12 hour shift he took sitting with a solider suffering from PTSD to ensure he didn't comimit suicide, to the Drill Sergeant who jumped on top of a live grenade that was mis-thrown during a training exercise (the grenade, 1 of about 100 used that day, was a dud).

It culminates into a combination of worry and respect. I worry that some right-wing fruitcake will finagle his way into office and his inane ramblings will keep the U.S. locked in combat for years to come.

But I respect what my brother, and all the servicemen and women, absent motive or political agenda, are willing to give.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Friday the 13th Edition

5) Alfred Hitchcock, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Nate Silver are among the celebrities born on a Friday the 13th. 

4) The origin of triskaidekaphobia or fear of Friday the 13th is actually unknown. But some research suggests that because the number 12 is considered a perfect number or number of completeness, number 13 simply seems super lame by comparison. 

3) Tupac Shakur died on Friday, September 13, 1996.

2) There are some seriously spooky events that have occurred on a Friday the 13th. 

1)

 

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part I

5) There's a Wikipedia page containing a fairly comprehensive list of practical jokes, pranks, gags, and shenanigans. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up some verbal agreement forms for work. 
4) There is an alarming amount of information availble for becoming a successful RPS (Rock, Paper, Scissors) player.

3) UFO enthusiast argue that proof of Ancient Aliens is clear from the many portrayals of flying crafts and discs in prehistoric paintings. It may seem difficult to make a factual claim of extraterrestrial existence based on its portrayal in heavily religious works, but elephants were discovered because they appeared in all those pictures of unicorns.

"You know, sometimes it feels like I don't actually exist."  

2) An eidetic or photographic memory is a vivid visual recollection with limited exposure. Neither have been scientifically proven, attributed instead to use of mnemonic devices, even obsessive compulsive disorder, however many notable people, including Nikola Tesla, have claimed to possess an eidetic memory.  
1) Now go home and get your fucking shinebox.

Blue Unicorns

It took awhile for my parents to come to terms with to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder. For reasons we may never understand, my mother had a markedly easier time accepting the diagnosis than my father. 

But the other day, my dad told me he thinks he's finally understanding it. "I mean," he explained, "if you see blue unicorns running up and down Connecticut Avenue, who cares? Maybe I see red unicorns. The point is, we all have our unicorns."

"Well Dad, mine are actually pink."

"Well, I think they're actually white, aren't they?"

"Well, they actually don't exist so I guess there's no reason to argue about the color, but I see your point, and it actually means a lot."

"Just remember Peanut, we all have our unicorns."

Any situation that can prompt my  father, with his PhD in atomic physics to discuss blue unicorns with me simply because he's trying to better understand what I'm experiencing, makes me feel like if we look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling we'll find that unicorns actually are all around.

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part IV

5)

 

4)

3)

2)

1)

The Great and Powerful Oz

How do you explain anxiety to someone who has never experienced it? Anxiety lives in a bar at last call. And while he's always had a few too many, he's full of advice

"Aren't you a little old for the bar scene? That's what Carol said at least."

"Everyone here is more successful than you. We were all talking about it."

"Listen, I'm just going to say it that boyfriend of yours, he's cheating on you."

"You can drive home. Taking a cab means you're a pussy."

"That guy seems alright, just go home with him. Your friends think it's weird you're not already married yet."

Both anxiety and drunks are belligerent loudmouths who rely on a reality that's entirely fictional. Since both are immune to logic and reason, combating anxiety is a process that some struggle with their entire lives.

And while we'd never allow a drunk to drive our children to school, manage our stock investments, or even choose a paint color for us, it takes years of therapy and self-reflection to realize that a drunk's and anxiety's perceptions are equally distorted. They both owe their sloppy success to a combination of illusion, confusion, and control.

Anxiety treatment programs have begun to shift their focus from attempting to eliminate every possible anxiety trigger tand instead concentrate on an internal shift one's locus of control. Building a foundation of empowerment, self-esteem, and positive thinking can be accomplished through journaling, healthy habits, or civil service.

This makes it easier to understand Dorthy's epiphany at the end of The Wizard of Oz. After experiencing an esteem enhancing journey (which did involve killing someone, but we'll put a pin in that) she was able to see that The Great and Powerful Oz was not this all powerful omnipotent being, but rather a shadowy shut-in with a Mutchkin fetish, possessing all the wizardry skills of a rent-by-the-hour birthday party magician.

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part III

5) MS Clusters are the perceived high number of MS cases in a specific time period or area. Clusters could provide clues to environmental or genetic triggers of the disease, however, to date cluster studies have not produced clear evidence for causative or triggering factors.
4) This year's World MS Day is May 25, 2016. The theme will be "Independance."  
3) A lumbar puncture, also called a spinal tap, is used to diagnose all types of MS. Although the procedure sounds alarming, it's completely painless, which makes my screaming entirely unnecessary. But it felt good to do. 
2) I tell ya MS is getting on my last nerve. 

1) Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is not affiliated with MS-13. So don't bother asking your doctor about it.

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part II

5) The diagnosis process is like being on an episode of House. 

4) When my MS diagnosis emerged on the coattails of my bipolar dianosis, doctors used humor (e.g. "Well someone drew the genetics short straw!") to help me understand this new condition. 

3) Famous people with MS include: Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Jack Osbourne. Couldn't we have gotten someone on the A-List?
2) MS loves the ladies, affecting more women than men by a whopping 2:1 ratio.  However, disease severity is worse in men.

1) MS affects coordination and balance which can result in stumbling or falling. But the doctor says it's okay as long as my falling is hilarious.

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS

My family contains some of DCs finest armchair physicians. Until recently, bipolar was simply a condition I had made up to embarrass my family and make the neighbors uncomfortable. 

5) It turns out, there's a strong correlation between bipolar and Multiple Sclerosis. These two unexpected BFFs follow similar patterns of flare-ups and remissions, each magnifying the symptoms of the other culminating into what's medically known as "an arrest".
4) Multiple Sclerosis symptoms include pain, headache, dizziness, tremors, and bowel problems.

3) Multiple Sclerosis offers a sampling of four meet-your-maker options; which is very generous considering my bookie only gave me two. 

• Relapsing-Remitting – clearly defined attacks lasting from days to weeks, with full recovery or with some remaining neurological symptoms and deficits upon recovery. Periods between relapses are stable and absent of disease progression. This is by far the most common form of the disease.
• Secondary-Progressive – begins initially with a relapsing-remitting course that becomes consistently progressive and includes occasional relapses and minor remission. Deficits are accumulated without recovery between attacks.
• Primary-Progressive – progression of level of disability from the onset without any distinct relapses of remissions. Temporary, minor improvements may be experienced.
• Progressive-Relapsing – clear progression in disability level from the onset, but also clear acute relapses that may or may not include memory.

2) Can't stand the suspense of just how and when you'll join sweet oblivion? By exercising your Right to Die, an option most people select after working with an attorney. I trust that, when the time comes, my POA will lead me onto Brahmaloka, the fourth level of Tibetiam Heaven, without incident.

1) Medical Science has skyrocketed over the past two decades with many advances in the treatment and maintenance of MS. Even if all else fails, God Willing, I'll still be able to go out with a pair of giant knockers.