Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part XXVIII

5)

4)

3) With summer heat bearing down like a Horseman of the Apocalypse on my fellow MS warriors and I, it's crucial to have a summer heat strategy in place.   
2) One of many poignant TEDx Talks featuring MS: Thriving in The Face of Adversity.

1) And did I hear you say he was a-meeting you here today To take you to his mansion in the sky?

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXXIV

5) A 2011 article by CNN explains why some people actually hate their birthdays.

4) Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water. Now my tea will never be ready...
3) I know what Bo don't know. Ch-ch-chang chang.

2) There's a Wikipedia page containing a comprehensive list of practical jokes, pranks, gags, and shenanigans. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up some verbal agreement forms for work.
1) Before my diagnosis, I called D.C. home for just under a decade. That sketchy, sweltering, swampland saw me through four marathons, five law firms, an undetermined number of men, bipolar and finally MS. But I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXXIII

5) The Specious Present is the time duration wherein one's perceptions are considered to be in the present. The sense of time differs from other senses since time cannot be directly perceived but must be reconstructed by the brain. Other explanations include:

4) Currently unsolved or open problems and conjectures exist in various fields including neuroscience, linguistics, and philosophy. We really do have 99 problems.
3) In 1941, Danish physicist Niels Bohr and German physicist Werner Heisenberg met in Copenhagen to discuss the emerging role of scientists in the development of atomic weapons. The specifics of the meeting has been the subject of great speculation, notably Michael Frayn's 1998 play Copenhagen.

2) It's not that Japan was asking for all those Godzilla attacks, I'm just saying, it doesn't seem to be that much of a problem for other countries.
1)

That's Great! It Starts With An Earthquake

What if Michael Stipe was onto something?

Typically my study of the bible involves skimming the water-to-wine story while waiting for the scotch to kick in, but following my recent diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, it was time to flip to the back of this thousand-page paperweight and see how the story ends.

Revelations won't be seen on the New York Times Bestsellers Book List. Compared to the rest of the New Testament, it's a real downer. A lot fewer McFish sandwich miracles, a lot more multi-headed beasts. 

Much of Revelations reads like an exaggerated bar story. Like the Apostles were hanging out one night and John had a little too much tirosh. "Wait, wait guys so I was sayin' this beast has these five - no seven - seven heads! An' ten horns, like at least ten horns!" 

Thomas is rolling his eyes and Matthew is pissed off because he always ends up being the DD, "Goddammit John, that beast has more heads every time you tell the story. What's up, you said you could hang!"

Now personally, I find it a little inconsistent that after twenty-six books featuring the sort of easy-going, son-giving, non-vengeful God you feel like you could have a real future with...he decides to smite the shit out of us after all.

Talk about a misleading Match profile:

Yahweh
seeking women 25-39
within 20 miles of the Mountain of Zion
Have kids: Yes, they sometimes live at home (1)
Faith: Spiritual but not religious
Interests: Loving mankind, forgiving their sins
Drink: Social Drinker

The Pineapple People

The Fruit were restless. The Apples were anxious. The Cantaloupes were concerned. The Bananas were bothered. The Peaches were prickly.

The Pineapple People were coming…

The news had come through the Grapevine. No one knew anything about the Pineapple People, or why they were coming, or what they might want.

“We hear they’re 20 feet tall,” said the Oranges.

“We hear they speak a strange language,” said the Pears.

“We hear they eat other fruit!” said the Apricots.

“Friends,” the Coconuts cooed. “The Pineapple People are coming. But there is nothing to fear. They will not hurt our Colony or bring harm to our grove.” 

The Coconuts were the oldest of all the fruit. Clever and honest and wise! So many of the fruit listened. 

The Kiwis, who were very deep thinkers, decided they would welcome the Pineapple People to the grove.

“Maybe,” the Kiwis thought, “if they seem strange to us, we may seem strange to them. Maybe, our whole grove is very different than where they are from.” So the Kiwis gathered fresh water, green grasses, and all the things that fruits enjoy as gifts to make the Pineapple People feel at home.

The Lemons and the Limes — who despite their sour tastes, had very sweet natures — said “We are nervous and uncertain about these Pineapple People, but will kindly offer our friendship.”

The Apples and Grapes, who were very cautious fruit — it was said this was because their skins were so thin and delicate — said “We will keep a distance. We must know why they have come to the Grove and what they will do here.”

The Peaches, however, who were very frosty fruit, said, “These Pineapple People are no friends of ours! We will be bossy and boorish and mean-spirited so they know they are unwanted in our Colony!”

It was whispered among the Grove, that the Peaches were such unhappy Fruit because their heavy seeds were hard to carry around all day.

So the Fruit set off, each with their own plans for the Pineapple People. The Coconuts watched the Colony prepare. They knew that this was not the first time the Pineapple People had come to the Grove…but they did not tell this to the rest of the Colony.

Soon the Pineapple People arrived. The way they looked and talked was very different. The Melons admitted they liked the sing-song sound of their words. But they were gentle and kind. And smart! While the Colony had prepared for the Pineapple People, the Pineapple People were more prepared for them. They brought gifts to share, like rich pollens and oily waxes, and bright flowers, and morning dewdrops.

The Pineapple People stayed for many days. In the mornings, they helped the Fruit care for the trees and taught them new ways to nurture their leaves. They spoke with the Coconuts on more serious matters like pollens and bees and water levels. But in the evenings, they would sing, and dance, and share stories late into the night.

Soon, it was clear to all the fruit that the Pineapple People were no danger to the Colony. And the Fruit, who had been so worried about the Pineapple People coming, began to worry about the time when they would leave.

Too soon, that day did come.

“Goodbye!” said the Oranges.

“Safe travels!” cried the Pears.

“We will never forget you!” sniffed the Apricots.

And then, as quickly as they came, they were gone.

Not long after, the Kiwis went to talk to the Coconuts.

“Friends,” the Kiwis began, “the Colony has been different since the Pineapple People left. We use their waxes, and now our skins are very sleek and healthy. We care for the trees as they taught and now the leaves are very strong and green. We sing and share stories and dance at night and now the Colony is very happy and friendly. We think the Pineapple People came to help us all along.”

The Coconuts looked down on the young Kiwis with pride.

“Little ones, you are indeed very deep thinkers. That was why the Pineapple People were here. Long, long ago, our Colony was very sick. There wasn’t enough pollens or water and the fruit families did not know what to do. But one lone Grape said she knew who might help us. That was when the Pineapple People first came to this very Grove and saved our Colony. They planted new trees and gave us fresh water. And they said they would always be back to check on us.”

“But why not tell the other fruit?” the sharp Kiwis asked.

“Sometimes small ones, a healthy seed springs no matter the soil. Do you think that the next time a visitor comes to the grove, everyone will act more kindly to them?”

The Kiwis thought for a moment then nodded, “Even the Peaches.”

The Coconuts were satisfied and sent the Kiwis down to join the rest of the Colony who were dancing and singing under the stars.

The End

Sharks and Sheep

Ever since college where we learned fundamental life skills like living away from home, choosing a non-Liberal Arts major, and how to shotgun a beer, I'd resigned myself to the notion that the English major's lot in life was to see the nuance and beauty in an otherwise mechanical, left-brained world, and not perhaps drive economic trends, truly understand what a hedge fund is, or say things like: "Divide my assets between my 401k and my Roth IRA," or "We don't need to find a different ATM. My balance is high enough to cover the foreign ATM fee."

And I was okay with that. Truly fine with the notion that what I lacked in capital, I made up for in my ability to shotgun a beer. Certain that society needed both sharks and sheep. Career-driven capitalist every bit as much as hippy humanitarians. The "Type-A" predators with their smart, aggressive life and career decisions, and those of us content to bumble through job and relationship choices with all the calculating ruthlessness of a nurse shark.

But then the universe, who'd always been up for shotgunning a beer with me, handed this sheep a series of personal, professional, and medical misfortune.

Anyone who's experienced any type of adversity wants to feel there's a deeper meaning behind it all. Like a Super Mario Brothers game where of course it's hard to get through the Mushroom Kingdom but you can take pride in your collection of coins, Fire Flowers, and ultimately saving Princess Toadstool.

But sometimes it seems like the empathy, altruism, and social awareness I've accumulated from my hardships have the real world worth of Fire Flowers. And, at times, that can be difficult to reconcile. Like a t-shirt that reads, "I've Been To Hell And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt".

But unlike sharks, that's when sheep [who are very deep thinkers, no citation] remember that there's significance in both our failures and our triumphs. How are we certain? There has to be.

“If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning" ~C.S. Lewis

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part XXVII

5)

4) There are approximately 400,000 people in the United States with MS. Of that number around 8,000 to 10,000 are children or adolescents.
3) Each week, more than 200 people are diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in the United States. The estimated lifetime cost of this disease is 4.1 million (in 2010 dollars). To me, this constitutes a MS epidemic and until a cure is found we must exhaust our political networks, diagnostic resources, and funding.
2)

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False Flag

I love conspiracy theories. And I'm not alone. Be it the Lindbergh baby, the Apollo 11 moon landing, or the theory that Breyers engineered Birthday Cake Ice Cream just to make me fat, certain events throughout history have conspiracy theorists convinced that the general public isn't being told the full story.

The concept of conspiracy theories has evolved throughout history. It wasn't always the modern notion of wild-eyed nutters holed up in basements with heads wrapped in tinfoil. Historically, False Flags, such as the Trojan Horse, a deceptive peace offering used during the Trojan War which allowed the Greeks to enter the city of Troy, were viewed as legitimate tales of caution against taking events at face value.

But experience has taught us that not every horse is filled with an army of Greek soldiers. So what exactly causes conspiracy theories to develop in the first place?

As a self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist, I've found that particular incidents, due to their extremity, their shocking nature, or their sprinkle-filled deliciousness, trigger our spidey-sense. Once stimulated, people are anxious for a resolution be it Ancient Aliens, a hidden Illuminati agenda, or a government cover-up.


I've compiled three of my favorite ominous occasions and researched the most compelling evidence for, and the strongest rebuttals against, these respective conspiracies.

1) Apollo 11 Moon Landing

The smoking gun: From the "C" rock, to the lack of space stars, to moon dust, a faked moon landing is like conspiracy theory Viagra. But it is interesting how the backgrounds in certain photos are so similar they're nearly identical; as though NASA used, or forgot to change, the same backdrops while shooting different photographs.

Time for your meds: NASA has an overall solid case against the faux moon landing conspiracy. It's almost like there's a bunch of scientists over there. But it's film expert S.G. Collins whose knowledge about the technical capacities of filming in the late sixties, who makes the conspiracy-dispelling statement that it would have been easier to actually go to the moon than to fake it on video.

2) 9/11

The smoking gun: Your 9/11 conspiracy needs can be satisfied by the film Loose Change.

Conspiracy theorist strongest, but least cited, argument are the overwhelming number of put options placed on United and American Airlines stocks just days prior to September 11. The mathematical odds that this event would occur randomly and independently of the 9/11 attack are so low they statistically don't exist.

Time for your meds: Debunking the 9/11 conspiracies has become as popular as creating them. For me, the collapse of the Twin Towers, free from explosives or a controlled demolition proves that this horrible event wasn't internally manufactured.

3) Paul is Dead

The smoking gun: It would be easy to dismiss the theory that Paul McCartney secretly died in 1966 and was replaced by a look alike as the creative but insane result of the vast amounts of psychotropic drugs consumed in the sixties, if not for Gabriella Carlesi. In 2008, the Italian forensic pathologist specializing in the identification of people through craniometry, or the comparison of skull features, analysed images of Paul McCartney before and after 1966 and found they did not match.

Time for your meds: Debunking Paul is dead for Dummies breaks this theory down piece by silly piece. In my opinion, the most compelling evidence against this conspiracy is that there's simply no reason for it. It's a conspiracy as unnecessary as Ringo.