Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VII

5) You either unican or you unican't.

4) Born December 15,1687, Sir Isaac Newton allegedly discovered the theory of gravity when he saw an apple fall from a tree. This story hasn't been verified (and is also super lame, really never seen anything fall before?) Them apples aside, Newton is regarded as one of the most influential scientists of all time and a key figure in the scientific revolution. Regrettably, the discovery of gravity now prevents us from being being able to fly. Expect me of course.
3) Most muppets are left handed.

2) Ever wonder which letters made it onto those eye charts optometrists use? Called LogMAR charts and created by NatSeriousional Vision Research Institute of Australia in 1976 eye scientist picked particular letters designed to enable a more accurate estimate of visual acuity. While these nerds earned scientific and medical recognition for putting random letters onto pieces of paper, I received my English Major.

1) The Medal of Honor is the highest most prestigious military decoration awarded to the United States Armed Forces. This honor, which is personally presented by the President, requires recipients meet the following criteria: 

distinguish themselves through conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of life above and beyond the call of duty:

• While engaged in action against an enemy of the United States; 
• While engaged in military operations involving conflict with an opposing foreign force; or 
• While serving with friendly foreign forces engaged in an armed conflict against an opposing armed force in which the United States is not a belligerent party

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: Part VI Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.~C.S. Lewis

5) Multiple sclerosis has never gotten anyone laid. Like ever. Not even Mr. Sclerosis or Dr. Sclerosis.

 

4) My dog thinks about squirrels mostly, so I'm glad Snoopy is pulling his weight.

3)

2)

1) 

MDs say it's MS, 

'Plains the pain and confusion,

And that call with Forest Whitaker was just a delusion

(he still called back)

Saturday nights are now at a local infusion center

(Stabby Ralph's still there but he's doing much better)

Now's the time for practical meds, hobbies, and hair,

Ralph we're cancelling our El Salvador time share,

Following my first 

TYSABRI® infusion

MS changes life, won't know how, won't know when,
So if you're dealt this hand, ante-up, raise, 

 and all in

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VII - Color Edition

5) What happens when you throw a white hat into the Black Sea? Well first the shop owner threatens litigation even though it was clearly a display model and your publicist assured you that he'd spoken with the shop owner and he was on board with this stunt and you were willing to do nudity despite their insistence otherwise-oh yeah, it gets wet. 
4) Blue comes out as the clear color favorite among the old, young, men, women, across nations, by a substantial margin. While blue does possess a pleasing hue and is associated with heartwarming characteristics such as trust, honesty and loyalty, there's no clear link between the shade and its staggering popularity.

3) Greenbacks owe their name to their introduction in 1929 when the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing opted to use green ink both because the color was high in its resistance to chemical and physical changes and also the ready availability of the green pigment at the time.

2) Aurora Borealis or "Northern Lights" are a natural color and light display that occurs in high latitude (Arctic and Antarctic) regions.

1) Why is the blue jay always so sad? His family died.

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part V

5)

4)

3) La-da-da-da-dahh. It's the motherfuckin D-E-single-B (@SPIC-UZZZA!)

2)

1)

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part VI

5) UNC trumped Gonzaga to become the 2017 NCAA Tournament Champions. It was their whopping 47th tournament appearance while my own Alma mater UCONN makes only a bashful 33.  But we'll always have this 2004 college blackout when UCONN decimates Duke in the Final Four.

4) A 2011 article by CNN explains why some people actually hate their birthdays.

3) Do it again. Cause if you don't...

2) Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water. Now my tea will never be ready...

1) A stands for Apple. A always stands for apple, there's nothing we can do about that,

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part V

5) I'm in the market for a mentor like Jack Donaghy.

4) I've been practicing the Thriller dance since 1982 just in case Michael Jackson comes back as that zombie. Safety-first.

3) Werewolf bar mitzvah, Spooky scary Boys becoming men...men becoming wolves.....

2) Soundsnap can satisfy with your audio needs with a large bank of sounds like laser bursts and an impressive collection of fart sounds organized by depth, breath, and length.
1) The man asked a question...
 Reschedule my

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part IV

5) A Newton's cradle, named after Sir Isaac Newton, is a device that demonstrates conservation of momentum and energy using a series of swinging spheres. When one sphere (ball) at the end is lifted and released, it strikes the stationary spheres (balls); a force is transmitted through the stationary spheres and pushes the last sphere upward. Basically, a lot of ball play.

4) Marie Curie is the only person to win a Nobel Prize in two different sciences, Physics in 1903 and Chemistry in 1911.

3) W-wait marijuana helps MS? Time to update my treatment plans.

2) Here comes the hotstepper.

1) I've lived in DC for just under a decade and seen it through two marathons, five law firms, an undetermined number of men, bipolar and MS, think I need a new town. To leave this all behind.

Worst Day Ever

January is a rough time of year. With its yuletide debt, post holiday weight gain, and temperatures as comforting as a Scottish dungeon, people find January so bleak that the last Monday of the month has been dubbed Blue Monday. This year's Blue Monday promises to be the quite literally the worst day ever: January 16, 2017.

If you're anxious to shake yourself out of this wintery slump, studies have shown that consciously practicing gratitude has a substantial impact on your mood, outlook, and overall happiness. Tallying the things that you're grateful for, no matter how big or small, can substantially raise your spirits during the bleakest of winters.

The hectic pace of D.C. can make it easy to overlook those tiny nuggets of happiness and good fortune in our lives, so in the spirit of appreciation, I took stock of 5 things that I'm grateful for:

5) Living in DC without getting robbed (that sort of street crime only happens in Old Town Alexandria);

4) Unlimited champagne when you get your nails done at Mimosa;

3) The Unicorn Commute: when the train arrives just as you get to the platform, no delays, and you get a seat with a fresh copy of the The Express under your seat,. Yahtzee;

2) 15 years of running;

1) Maintaining gainful employment despite choosing English as my college major (with a minor in useless literature). Suckers...

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Election Edition

1) The strongest poker hand in a particular situation is called “the nuts". Trump has confused this with "being nuts".
2) A nebula is an interstellar cloud of dust, hydrogen, and other gases. What makes them so unique is that unlike other mixtures of unless gas

Nebula are astoundingly beautiful.

3) The number 888 holds a spiritual message.

Your life purpose, goals, and dreams are supported by the angels, the entire universe, and you will be compensated justly for sharing your gifts and shining your unique light into the world. Jeez divine guidance, get off my jock.
While the number 555 is the sort of easygoing, good natured spiritual message you could grab a beer with.

Great things are about to take place in your life. And Lakshmi, the goddess of prosperity and abundance is there to pick up the tab.

4) I think it's time to acknowledge the staggering number of 2:00am otherworldly visitations aren’t due to some alien altruistic agenda to advance mankind but rather simply the extraterrestrial equivalent of a booty call. "Why haven’t you called me back?? I left you like a thousand crop circles??"

It gets lonely in space...

5) Trump's here to offend others (Muslims, Asians, the disabled, women, PTSD, Mexico, refugees, Jews, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, you, me) and cause irreparable damage to the Republican Party. And he's all out of people to offend...

There's Waldo

Otherworldly brilliance, extraordinary talent, and creative genius are buffers that soften the Stigma of mental illness. And while some research has shown a correlation between mental illness and certain characteristics attributed to high functioning achievement, the underlying message remains that mental illness is something a person must compensate for. Natasha Tracey addresses this dichotomy in her article Do the Mentally Ill Have to Be Extraordinary to Be Accepted

So get started on becoming the most famous and influential figures in the history of Western art.

And where's the Nobel Prize for your Nash Equilibrium?

And for the truly remarkable, just how do you explain that you've yet to complete a 4th marathon?

What what

That's when I find comfort in the "Where's Waldo" book series. We've hunted for this stripped joker since 1987 having no idea who he is or even his last name. We don't know what he's up to, or why he's always so lost. But he coasts contently past giants, gladiators, and mermaids. Waldo could easily be on the lam, owe someone money, or simply be a poorly dressed, disoriented, serial killer, but there's remained a strange satisfaction in finding him for over a quarter century.

If we can embrace this sketchy wanderer without judgment or prejudice, maybe Stigma can be similarly re-programmed. Strip away the expectations and suspicions and simply view everyone as a harmless but lost traveler who is just trying to find their way home.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Olympics Edition

5) The longest unbeaten Olympic Reocord is held by Bob Beamon for his long jump during the 1968 Mexico City Summer Olympics with a jump measuring in at a staggering 27 ft. 4 in.

4) The Pierre de Coubertin medal "is one of the noblest honours that can be bestowed upon an Olympic athlete."
3) In 1996, the Summer Olympics were held in Atlanta Georgia. The Women's Gymnastics Team, dubbed the Magnificent Seven, won the Gold over the Russians in the team competition, a victory highlighted by the now famous vault of Kerri Strug.

2) In 1992, despite battling a torn hamstring, Derek Redmond was able to complete a complete lap in the 400 metre with the aid of his father who'd broken through dozens of guards and onlookers to help him finish the race. he received a standing ovation as he crossed the finish line.

1) In 1980 Winter Olympics at Lake Placid, New York, a group of rag tag American hockey players made up of amateurs and collegiate players rallied to win Gold over the power house Russians (who play the villains in nine out of ten Olympic movies). Team USA eked out a slim 4-3 lead which they clung to for the final 10 minutes. In the final minute, Sportscaster Al Michaels, who was calling the game on ABC, who delivered his famous call:

"11 seconds, you've got 10 seconds, the countdown going on right now! Morrow, up to Silk. Five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in miracles?! YES!!!"

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part III

5) Convinced you're a charming people person? Think again. Forbes identifies 13 traits of likeability which include listening, genuineness, and interest in others. Absent these qualities, you may in fact just be an asshole.

4) Or you really are a funny guy.

3) The three species of camels are best known for the distinctive fatty deposits or "humps" on their backs. Less notable characteristics include their sharp, ruthless sense of revenge.

SOON...

2) It's estimated only 2% of the world's population has green eyes, making them as rare as heterochromia iridis (having two different color eyes).
1) I went on a wonderful date last night. I've got a great feeling about this guy, Keyser Söze he might be the one.

Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Presidents Day, Independence Day, Inauguration Day, et al

When I woke up this Veterans Day morning I thought about two things: why did my neighbors set their alarms damnit, its a holiday and my little brother.

He's an Intel Specialist for the Army and holds one the highest level of security clearance. Not a true top-tier secret squirrel, but enough so that what he does is simply referred to as "work" and this post required five drafts before it was approved for publication.

At 6 feet tall, 225 pounds, he has the type of presence you get from a heavily-narrated Morgan Freeman movie. Animals are oddly drawn to him. When he left for basic training, my parents dog lapsed into a three month long depression and gained 10 pounds.

Civic duty and service are the sort bureaucratic buzz words he'd never use to describe what he does. Silly and redundant compared to the experiences he's shared. The fellow solider who joined the Army after his entire family was killed during an uprising in Syria, to the 12 hour shift he took sitting with a solider suffering from PTSD to ensure he didn't comimit suicide, to the Drill Sergeant who jumped on top of a live grenade that was mis-thrown during a training exercise (the grenade, 1 of about 100 used that day, was a dud).

It culminates into a combination of worry and respect. I worry that some right-wing fruitcake will finagle his way into office and his inane ramblings will keep the U.S. locked in combat for years to come.

But I respect what my brother, and all the servicemen and women, absent motive or political agenda, are willing to give.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Friday the 13th Edition

5) Alfred Hitchcock, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Nate Silver are among the celebrities born on a Friday the 13th. 

4) The origin of triskaidekaphobia or fear of Friday the 13th is actually unknown. But some research suggests that because the number 12 is considered a perfect number or number of completeness, number 13 simply seems super lame by comparison. 

3) Tupac Shakur died on Friday, September 13, 1996.

2) There are some seriously spooky events that have occurred on a Friday the 13th. 

1)

 

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part I

5) There's a Wikipedia page containing a fairly comprehensive list of practical jokes, pranks, gags, and shenanigans. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pick up some verbal agreement forms for work. 
4) There is an alarming amount of information availble for becoming a successful RPS (Rock, Paper, Scissors) player.

3) UFO enthusiast argue that proof of Ancient Aliens is clear from the many portrayals of flying crafts and discs in prehistoric paintings. It may seem difficult to make a factual claim of extraterrestrial existence based on its portrayal in heavily religious works, but elephants were discovered because they appeared in all those pictures of unicorns.

"You know, sometimes it feels like I don't actually exist."  

2) An eidetic or photographic memory is a vivid visual recollection with limited exposure. Neither have been scientifically proven, attributed instead to use of mnemonic devices, even obsessive compulsive disorder, however many notable people, including Nikola Tesla, have claimed to possess an eidetic memory.  
1) Now go home and get your fucking shinebox.

Blue Unicorns

It took awhile for my parents to come to terms with to my diagnosis of bipolar disorder. For reasons we may never understand, my mother had a markedly easier time accepting the diagnosis than my father. 

But the other day, my dad told me he thinks he's finally understanding it. "I mean," he explained, "if you see blue unicorns running up and down Connecticut Avenue, who cares? Maybe I see red unicorns. The point is, we all have our unicorns."

"Well Dad, mine are actually pink."

"Well, I think they're actually white, aren't they?"

"Well, they actually don't exist so I guess there's no reason to argue about the color, but I see your point, and it actually means a lot."

"Just remember Peanut, we all have our unicorns."

Any situation that can prompt my  father, with his PhD in atomic physics to discuss blue unicorns with me simply because he's trying to better understand what I'm experiencing, makes me feel like if we look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling we'll find that unicorns actually are all around.