I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn't met me yet. ~Rodney Dangerfield


Monday, July 27, 2015

If The Shoe Fits

Walt Disney is renowned for many things. His kingdom of animated wonders, a legacy of creative genius, the way he'd put on the Mickey Mouse suit and insist on being called “The Commodore”... But one thing he can never take credit for is a realistic representation of his Disney Princesses.

And despite recent efforts to portray more modern and diverse heroines, the Disney Princess line-up still largely resembles Thursday night at a Tallahassee strip club.



If you were a Disney princess which one would you be?

Criticism that Disney heroines represent an exaggerated and unrealistic physical standard of beauty is well deserved considering these films are designed for an audience of 5 to 10 year olds. Just who exactly are the pouting lips, doe eyes, and heaving bosoms designed to appeal to?



I like to think I'll raise my children in the sort of open minded, accepting household where we appreciated all bodies like pow, animated and otherwise, but it does it over simplify the complex issue of women's role and representation throughout history to believe that heavier, plainer Disney Princesses are the magic bullet to liberate them from oppression, misrepresentation, and limited social opportunities?


It's a difficult issue to address when you're up against an intimidating group of Disney Princesses all in hot pursuit of their Happily Ever After (all whom strangely resemble the Mean Girls from my High School). 



In Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture Peggy Orenstein writes a, frankly contradictory, albeit updated piece, about how women can be whatever they want. Just so long as it's not too girly, not too sporty, not too feminine, not too smart, not too pretty, not too dumb, and, most importantly, not too anything they actually want to be.

I'm genuinely glad to see Disney's outdated stereotypes modernized, but I'd hate to see one set of restrictive conditions on women's conduct replaced for another. My ultimate end game would be that young girls are allowed to view colors, sports, and school subjects with personal references that and not the weight of the world.   

I think Cinderella herself said it best:



Thursday, July 2, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - 4th of July Edition

1) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on July 4, 1826. James Monroe also died on July 4, but in 1831.
2) Auto club AAA estimates that 41.9 million Americans will travel over the July 4th holiday, the most in eight years.
3) Calvin Coolidge was born on July 4, 1872. He also has the distinction of being the Nationals' latest Racing President.



4) The 4th of July by the numbers:
  • 14,000 — number of firework displays across the nation each year
  • 150 million — number of hot dogs eaten by Americans 
  • 9 — number of times I will drunk-dial my ex before I black out
5) This amazing firework display is from the 2012 Let Freedom Sing Fireworks Show in Nashville, Tennessee. After the 2:05 mark, you'll feel like a five-year old again.


Happy Fourth!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

#LeapSecond

Leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC) in order to keep its time of day close to the mean solar time, or UT1. The next leap second will again be inserted at the end of June 30, 2015 at 23:59:60 UTC.

Trending in all areas of social media today is the thought-provoking inquiry, "What will YOU do with your #LEAPSECOND?!?!?!". 

I'm going to spend it mourning the last Twitter Trend.
But I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid at this particular dog and pony show. As if it isn't enough that we're already asked to live each hour to its fullest, spend each day like it's our last, now we're expected to account for every second we spend too. And it had better be amazing. I remember a simpler time when every iota of our day wasn't required to be as awesome as possible. It's like we can't just live we need to !!!LIVE XL!!! .

But haters gonna hate right?

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Palm Pilot

I got a palm reading the other day. I could say it was on a total whim, or that I don't really believe in that stuff, or that no baby I've never tried it before but with right guy I might be open to it, but that wouldn't be true. 

So this palm reading was not, in fact, my first foray into the occultic realm. Betw
een palm readings, tarot cards, and aura cleanings I've spend a handful of dollars hoping for a glimpse into what my romantic future might hold. And while my little brother reminds me that this money could be better spent on pretty much anything besides crack, my most recent palm reader had an insight for me that I'd never heard before. She told me I've already met my soulmate.

There wasn't a need to flip through my mental Rolodex of exes, because everyone has "the one that got away." Not got 
away due to some kind of epic relationship fall out, or his arraignment hearing, or because he finally found the key to my sex dungeon, but got away because something, something small and nameless, in the relationship didn't quite work out.

Ladies and gentleman
 I'd like to present my potential lost soulmate:



Yeah, I know, you can't tell me anything I haven't already told myself each time I renew my Match subscription. 



Okay Universe, I get it. He's very handsome. 

We were college sweethearts. He never hogged the covers and let me dance on his toes. He taught me how to how to change a timing belt and I encouraged him to run his first 5K. I made him laugh and he fielded my crazy like Joe DiMaggio. 

But it didn't work out. And looking back there wasn't anything we faced that was so insurmountable it couldn't have been overcome on our path to soulmatedom... Why do so many modern relationships end this way; with the parties citing vague and unsubstantial reasons like "things getting too serious", "timing", or "escaping from your sex dungeon"?  

So maybe he isn't my lost soulmate. Maybe you can't just lose a soulmate like a misplaced sweatshirt that turns up years later in a Goodwill Lost and Found. Maybe it's sharing our lives that's more important than our souls. After all, if Merriam-Webster doesn't recognize soulmates, I maintain there's no reason for the rest of us to. Except when dealing with angry ex-sex. Obviously.


Sunday, June 7, 2015

She Works Hard - Part I

"I'm an English major."

"What are you going to do with that?"

"Die of starvation."

Ever since college where we learned fundamental life skills like living away from home, choosing a non-Liberal Arts major, and how to shotgun a beer, I'd resigned myself to the notion that the English major's lot in life was to see the nuance and beauty in an otherwise mechanical, left-brained world, and not perhaps drive economic trends, truly understand what a hedge fund is, or say things like: "Divide my assets between my 401k and my Roth IRA," or "We don't need to find a different ATM. My balance is high enough to cover the foreign ATM fee." 

And I was okay with that. Truly fine with the notion that what I lacked in capital, I made up for in my ability to shotgun a beer. Like the Chinese philosophy yin and yang, society needs its career-driven capitalist every bit as much as its hippy humanitarians. Both the "Type-A" predators with their smart, aggressive life and career decisions, and those of us who are content to bumble through job and relationship choices with all the calculating ruthlessness of a nurse shark


  
And then I moved to DC....  

Monday, May 11, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Sports Edition

1) This clip comes to you straight from my home town where minor league manager for the Asheville TouristJoe Mikulik otherwise known as "Who?", and "that assshole" loses his damn mind over a call and a game for no other reason than to show his butt and amuse you good folks. Enjoy:



2) Okay, so maybe I'm partial to my alma mater but after the below video the next person to destroy a basketball athletic program this badly was Jerry Sandusky.



3) Considered by most to be the greatest athlete of all time, his most famous commercial is titled "Failure."




4) 
The Play or The Play to Beat the Band, refers to a last-second kickoff return during a college football game between is recognized as one of the most memorable plays in college football history and among the most memorable in American sports. 



Members of the Stanford Band had come onto the field midway through the return, believing that the game was over, which added to the ensuing confusion and folklore. Cal announcer Joe Starkey of KGO-AM 810 radio called the game. The following is a transcript of his famous call:

AND THE BEARS! THE BEARS HAVE WON! The Bears have won! Oh, my God! The most amazing, sensational, dramatic, heart-rending... exciting, thrilling finish in the history of college football!

5) If you haven't heard of The Miracle on Ice than your heart is probably made of it. A group of rag tag American hockey players rallied to win Gold over the Russians, who play the villains in nine out of ten Olympic movies. Team USA's performance eked out a slim 4-3 lead which they clung to for the final 10 minutes. But it was Sportscaster Al Michaels, who was calling the game on ABC, who delivered his famous call:


"11 seconds, you've got 10 seconds, the countdown going on right now! Morrow, up to Silk. Five seconds left in the game. Do you believe in miracles?! YES!!!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part X

1) A digital footprint is the data that is left behind by users on digital services. It's often referred to by my perverted neighbor as an "electronic snitch."
2) When
 people see something adorable, like a baby or a puppy, our typical response is to associate it as something edible (e.g. I want to munch those little feet right off). We relate cuteness to dopamine-inducing scent, reminding us of food. The overlapping senses unconsciously create the desire to put cute things in our mouths. 
I could just eat them on toast
3) This video explains why Fight Club just might be the greatest movie ever. It also breaks the first two rules of Fight Club.
4) One of Google's 30 Most Epic Doodle's, is a tribute to Jackson Pollock's famous and unique style of drip painting. Or it's one of those three-D stereograms, but I've been staring at it for five hours now and so far nothing.
5) I'm not saying saying my Mother's Day Card is better than yours. I'm just repeating what she said in the shower this morning! 



Saturday, April 25, 2015

The Miracle Question

If you've ever read anything about business, studied for the GMAT, or drank myself into a blackout at my friend's grad school party last week, you might have heard a little something about two emerging but contrasting business ideologies: problem-focused and solution-focused

A stagnant economy, struggling enterprise, and diminishing middle-class give business theology about as much corporate credibility as pixie dust. And in all likelihood, 95% of board meeting run much like this:




But I digress. To be "solution-focused" is to ignore the cause, details, and nuances of your problem and concentrate your efforts on a remedy, resolution, and positive outcome. To be "problem-focused" is to ignore said potential solutions and concentrate your efforts on "Bats! Bats! Dear God how did all these bats get in here?!?!"

Solution-Focused Therapy credits The Miracle QuestionA basic thought experiment, its premise is simple: one night a miracle has occurred. All the problems in your world that would normally preoccupy your time and energy have magically been resolved. When you awaken the next morning, what's the very first thing, however tiny, or insignificant, that you notice or experience which lets you know this miracle has occurred? 


Anyone else's miracle involve Alec Baldwin giving this pep talk 
as they get ready for work each morning?

The Miracle Question doesn't promise to make our decisions for us, but what it will do is remind us that we already have the answers we've been seeking. It rewires our thinking to ignore the flood of distractions that, say, a hectic 1990s life holds. When left to their own devices, these thoughts monopolize the entirety of your mental process and keep you trapped in a perpetual problem-focused cycle.


In his infamous Glenngarry Glen Ross speech Alec Baldwin is sent to motivate a sluggish, lackadaisical team whose sales numbers have plummeted. They bombard him with excuse after excuse, some valid, some not, for why their business is slow and why both the company and their lives are not succeeding. His response? Fuck you.

What is it about this rebuttal that makes so much sense? Well, for one, it was made in 1992 and everyone was doing wheelbarrows of cocaine, but also because when we finally ignore the endless subterfuge of failure and laser in on those rare, singular moments of success which exist, sometimes for just moments, outside our mountains of modern problems, we find our solutions, our resolutions, the lights at the end of the bat filled tunnels.


Thursday, April 16, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part IX

1) After spending an amount of time researching Jack the Ripper, I will describe only as "too much," I've concluded his identity: Aaron Kosminski. You're welcome. Now, can someone give my therapist Dr. T. Bear a ring?


2) Is this the way to Amarillo



3) The three most common types of poker are stud, draw and community card. Texas hold 'em is the most popular of the community card versions, owing its popularity to the highly televised, internet sensation World Series of Poker Lady Gaga.
4) I end each day with a gentle Guided Meditation by Lilen Eden to meet my Spirit Guides. They haven't offered much as far as guidance, and sure Greg still owes me $50 but the benefits of mediation has been shown to red
uce stress, restore memory, and increase cognitive function. He had this bank thing happen, it was weird, but he gets paid next Friday and he'll get me then.



5) Swiss Guard, Italian Guardia Svizzera, corps of Swiss soldiers are responsible for the safety of the pope. Historically, new recruits had to have been unmarried Roman Catholic males with Swiss citizenship, between 19 and 30 years of age, at least 5 feet 8 inches and able to dress faaaabulous!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Mental Health Mullet

Having a mental illness sucks. It sucks so badly, I'm literally forced to pay people [psychiatrist, therapist] to talk to me about it. Everyone else is four sentences away from realizing they have something less uncomfortable to do. 

As a society we've broken through many gender, racial and religious barriers, so why is it that when it comes to the the stigma of mental illness, we're still a slave to the rubber stamp and it's arbitrary "crazy" or "sane" label? 




I've found that it isn't necessarily mental illness itself that is so wildly unlikable, it's the way mental illness makes other people feel. Mental illnesses are....strange and different. Tell me that you have cancer and I'll understand how to appropriately react. I know not to ask if you could beat your cancer if you would just try a little harder or secretly think you have cancer just for attention.     

Imagine telling someone with cancer that "Hey guy, it could be so much worse, you could be bipolar or have schizophrenia. You could struggle with depression or experience persistent anxiety.". But tell someone you're bipolar, and you not only relinquish any sympathy and/or basic empathy you'd normally garner from having an illness, it also give strangers the green light to ask you weird questions:

"So, do you have multiple personalities?"

"Aren't you like really good in bed?"

"Can you fly?"

No, yes, and sometimes.     

Mental health issues still weirds people out, which frankly, pisses me off. Because thanks to the combined efforts of three different mood stabilizers, suddenly, I'm the sanest person I know. And when it comes to psychological wellness, I've discovered the average person wears a mental health mullet: normal in the front, fucking cuckoo bananas crazy lunatic in the back.


They don't know they're crazy



Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part VIII

1) The final scene from The Pursuit of Happyness. I'm not crying, I'm just allergic to heart warming inspiration.
2) 
To "show your butt" is a Southern idiom meaning to figuratively show one's backside by acting rudely, crassly, or inappropriately. To do so literally, is still just called Title 25 § 11.408.
3) On April 18, 1924, Francis Leavy, a firefighter, was cleaning a window when he suddenly announced that he might die that day. Moments later the fire department responded to a raging fire that claimed the lives of nine fireman including Leavy. Soon after, a handprint appeared on the very window Leavy had been washing the day of his death.
4) Shave and a Haircut....


5)  How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!! (I didn't mean ladder.)


Monday, March 9, 2015

Sicilian Defense

I used to play online chess. Don't judge me. I got pretty good at it too. I said no judgement!! Really good actually. At least...according to my computer. The trick, was to master each game, step by step, move by move. But if there was any deviation in the sequence, I'd either lose or have to start the game again. 



Looking back, I actually wasn't good—as defined by the USCF—at chess at all, I'd merely developed the appearance of aptitude through a combination of classical conditioning and memory. And compared to what other members of the animal kingdom have accomplished with similar memorization based skill-sets, my chess game has been found wanting.   



But it made me think about the various skills we acquire and master throughout the years. Just how do we differentiate which skills we consider to be valid or successful from those that, like my chess ranking, are simply illusory?

You could point to commercial or financial achievement as indicators of success if history weren't full of artists and inventors whose astonishing talent went unappreciated in their time. Vincent van Gogh committed suicide a penniless hack at thirty-seven, while there have been three separate installments of the Sharknado franchise.

So in my search for the definition of success, I poured myself a glass of wine, downloaded the old chess program and committed to mastering the Sicilian Defense, a counter move that Chess Grandmaster John Nunn praises for "its combative nature; in many lines Black is playing not just for equality, but for the advantage...."  

I learned a lot that night. That black begins every chess game at a disadvantage. A perpetual underdog, who must play smarter, think further ahead, make fewer mistakes, just to level the playing field. That I can drink a full bottle of wine before I blackout. 

And finally the elusive true measure of success: "Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started." ~Steve Prefontaine

Monday, March 2, 2015

Delphic Maxim

When I turned 30 and received my key to the kingdom of relationship insightsyou'll know more when you get there, I'm not really supposed to talk about itI finally understood why so many people spend their twenties in relationships where they're less liked than Gwyneth Paltrow.



Our twenties are quite possibly the worst time to seek out a romantic partner. When we're in our twenties, we are actually terrible judges of our own character. But ask any twenty-something and they'll tell you how they're smarter than the average person. And harder working. More mature and pragmatic. Less likely to panic in a crisis. And a better driver.

But by thirty, both you and your potential mate, will have had a few real world experiences under your belt to give you a better sense of the person you truly are. By thirty, it's likely you've dealt with a profound personal or professional setback; or the death of a loved one; or a serious health issue; or been dishonorably discharged from your position as office safety monitor because following 
the 2011 earthquake rather than lead a group of lawyers to safety, you ran for the hills to save yourself while shouting, "I'll see the rest of you in hell!"

Once you've established this heightened sense of self, your dating sensor becomes equally honed and highly sophisticated. Sorta like that computer screen lens thing the Terminator used. 




You're able to instantly analyze the data received from a potential dating partner and calculate the likelihood of a successful union. For example:

Hipster skinny jeans + PBR + misuse of irony
= MISMATCH

Popped collar polo shirt + hair gel + douchey sense of entitlement
= MISMATC

Suit and tie + piercing blue eyes + aura of education + demonstrates basic empathy towards others 
= TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE—



*Wham Wham* Sorry about that.

It will still occasionally malfunction. Which I tried to explain to that judge, but he went ahead and charged me with eleven counts of lewd conduct anyway.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part VIII

1) The Third Man factor or Third Man syndrome refers to reported situations where an unseen presence such as a "spirit" or guide provides comfort or support during traumatic experiences. Famous experiencesors include Charles Lindbergh.
2) A house of cards is 
a structure or argument built on a shaky foundation or one that will collapse if a necessary (but possibly overlooked or unappreciated) element is removed.
3) Forget the Hatfields and McCoys this is the greatest family feud of all time:


4) "You know what family means to me Lemon? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights." ~ Jack Donaghy, '30 Rock'
5) To be "crazy as a fox" is to b
ehave in a foolish, frivolous, or uncomprehending manner as a ruse for concealing clever deeds or deeper intentions. But it turns out that fox I tired to adopt, actually just had rabies after all.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Goat Soap Lover


Hands down, the best pick up line I've ever received in DC. Not the typical reaction I receive when I mention I grew up on a goat farm in Western North Carolina that my parents still operate and make, among, other things, goat soap, but it's always refreshing to come across someone who appreciates natural products that are great for the skin. 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part VII

1) Albert Einstein didn't receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his Theory of Relativity, but rather for his explanation of the photoelectric effect.
2) Eugène-François Vidocq was a French criminalist known as "The Sherlock Holmes of Paris." The Vidocq Society is a members-only crime-solving club that meets on the third Thursday of every month in Philadelphia, PA. But I've said to much already...
3) Pablo Neruda was the pen name and, later, legal name of the Chilean poet-diplomat and politician Neftali Ricardo Reyes Basoalto. In 1971 Pablo Neruda won the Nobel Prize for Literature.


4) The Guinness Family are mad as hatters.
5) There is no known explanation for why we laugh. At least that's what I say when people don't get my jokes.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

The Doctor Is In

My parents must have thought that with three grown children they'd surely would have at least one grandchild by now. Or so they tell us every family get together. But whether it's a sign of the changing times, or that gypsy my dad hit with his car, continuance of the family lineage has been in a holding pattern.

But for once, my family finds itself on the normal side of a social trend. As the status quo shows, humankind is responsible for both a steadily climbing average age of marriage as well as sky-high national divorce rate. Considering there are at least eleven other species who mate for life, one can't help but wonder, if swans are able to establish and maintain lifelong committed relationships, what makes it so difficult for people to determine how to successfully pair off?

According to its website,
eHarmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren has the answer to this very question. He spent three years developing his hypothesis on the key concepts to a successful relationship. What is this groundbreaking theory? That, for relationship purposes, it's better to match up people who are more alike than it is to match up people who are less alike. Now personally, I'm inclined to believe a clinical psychologist could have put a quarter decade's worth of his time to better use. Has our ability to find and facilitate successful relationships deteriorated to the point that we need doctors, clinical studies, and website memberships to point us towards people who share our values and away from ones who don't?

And while my initial reaction is that it's likely Dr. Warren has contributed to long-term relationship success about as much as Dr. Pepper has contributed to long-term relationship success, I must admit that relationship dynamics are a complex tapestry and analysis of such is probably best left to the experts.

Buuuuut, for the sake of argument, I'll try my hand at resolving the below couple's quarrel to see if intuition, reason, and basic logic can reconcile a routine relationship issue:


"DEAR ABBY: My husband has ice water with every meal. During breakfast and dinner he loudly crunches all of the ice in his glass throughout the meal. I have asked him not to do it at the dinner table, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. At breakfast, I usually eat in another room and wear noise reduction headphones. I'm deaf in one ear and have only about 60 percent hearing in the other. We have been married for more than 30 years and he claims he has "always" done it and it's part of his enjoying his meal. Am I selfish to ask that he not crunch while I'm sitting next to him?
-- HATES THE CRUNCHING IN NEW MEXICO"




Thursday, January 22, 2015

Love the Run You're With

In October of 2000 or 14 years ago, I started running. That's right, my running career is now a teenager. And just like any relationship with a teenager, we have all the same misunderstandings, petty squabbles, and elaborate power struggles.

I'm currently training for the 2015 Rock 'n' Roll DC Half Marathon. With almost a decade and a half of running experience on my resume, training should be relativity obstacle free, right? Enter the dreaded Runner's Slump. Just what is a Runner's Slump and why does it make getting up at 5:30am to run 5 miles in 30 degree temperatures seem less than appealing? 

I can't help but compare this Half Marathon's training to previous Marathon training and find it lacking. When I was 23, 25, 27, and 28 I was bounding out of bed at 6:00am ready to hit the pavement for a 5 miler with my girlfriends. At 33, my morning run feels more like I'm trying to convince an overweight house dog to go out during a rain storm. "Stop growling at me, you need to go outside! Oh God, how did you get stuck under the bed?"  

So how do you beat a Runner's Slump? There are endless articles suggesting every imaginable technique from varying your routine to mental breaks to increased training but I'm going to propose a drastically different theory: you don't.
   

I'm simply not going to run the same way now as I did in my twenties. In all likelihood, going forward, 75% of my runs will just really really suck. And I'm okay with that. Accepting my worst running, no matter what slow, plodding, awkward gait it takes, is the only way through my Runner's career and any slump I encounter along the way. Because once I stripped back the demands, the expectations, the competition, it's just me running. And that's all I ever came to do.     

Still, I'll always have affection for the twenty-something runner I was for ten years. After all, she was my ride here. 



Sunday, January 11, 2015

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part VI

1) In 2013, Guinness World Records named Breaking Bad the highest-rated TV series of all time, largely due to Bryan Cranston's powerful portrayal of protagonist Walter White. But for me, his greatest role will always be Hal.


2) How does 2015 look for your finances? Grim, according to eleven different economists, financial markets will plummet. 
3) Hy-Brasil is one of history's more famous phantom islandsIn Irish myths, it's said to be cloaked in mist, except for one day every seven years. Unlike most phantom islands, it regularly appeared on maps for nearly 200 years. 
4) A snipe hunt is a type of practical joke that involves experienced people making fun of credulous newcomers by giving them an impossible or imaginary task.
5) The Specious Present is the time duration wherein one's perceptions are considered to be in the present. Time perception studies the sense of time, which differs from other senses since time cannot be directly perceived but must be reconstructed by the brain. Other explanations include: 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Southern Comfort

I'm not saying there's a shortage of southern gentlemen in DC, but I've lived in the area for seven years now and the last man to open a door for me was a locksmith. 

Southern gentleman in the Washington Metro Area come around as rarely as a blue moon or a Republican who doesn't sound like he's acting on orders from the planet Unetav. 

The trouble is, the area is teeming with the Southern Gentleman's natural enemy: the bro.

Bro outbreak? Try "Bro Bomb" by the makers of "Bro Be Gone"
Bros can be identified by their pastel hues, gelled hair, and of course, douchey sense of entitlement. Spotting a bro is also often accompanied by the overwhelming desire to punch him in the face until your hand breaks. If there's still confusion, please refer to the below test to assist in categorizing your specimen:

Subject holds his liquor like a:

(a) Gentleman. 
(b) Sixteen year girl.

Subject has taken a picture of himself using his own cell phone, then posted said picture onto his Twitter account:
(a) Good Lord no. A man would rather kill himself.
(b) Yes, five time since the start of this question.
  
Subject can drive a manual car:
(a) Yes. Never driven anything else.
(b) Like, you mean on Grand Theft Auto? 

Subject has discharged a firearm:
(a) Of course. But only in a safe, responsible manner as the Second Amendment allows.
(b) That's what SHE said!

If subject answers (b) to even one of the above questions immediately commence with punching him in the face until your hand breaks.
  
However,  if subject answered straight (a)s, Congratulations, you've found yourself a genuine, slow-drawled, rough-handed cowboy! Other signs include: increased tolerance of whiskey, him guiding you through crowds with his hand on the small of your back, and bra beginning to unhook itself.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part V

1) What's in store for 2015?
2) Heterochromia iridum, or having two different color eyes, occurs in approximately six out of 1,000.


3) Heautoscopy is the psychiatric term for the reduplicative hallucination of "seeing one's own body at a distance." It's also considered a possible explanation for doppelgängers.
4) In 1969, President Jimmy Carter reported seeing an unidentified flying object in Leary, Georgia. The event, dubbed the Jimmy Carter UFO Incident, is known for being about as significant to UFO history as Jimmy Carter's presidency has been to traditional history
.
5) How good
or bad is your
intuition? Not that it matters. According to Christopher Chabris and Daniel Simons, authors of The Invisible Gorilla, when it comes to effective decision making, intuition is about as useful as fairy dust.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Strange Loop

A 2007 study showed that a whopping 88% of people who set New Year's Resolutions fail. That means when you start your diet, commit to stop smoking, or vow to finally organize that closet, inevitably you're just going to wind up back in bed with my ex-boyfriend.

In theory, we would be constantly improving our New Year's Resolution making abilities. Each year's respective successes and failures should build on the proceedings year's experience until we've amassed a giant bank of New Year's Resolution wisdom and insight. Instead, January 1st slinks by like a guilty ex-boyfriend trying to sneak out of my apartment unnoticed, but for the unmistakable sense of déjà vu left behind.

A 12% success
rate is a pretty poor showing. To put that in perspective, 12% is the same ranking Batman and Robin received on Rotten Tomatoes. Why do we struggle to maintain our Resolutions each year? And if doing so only sets ourselves up for failure, why do we make them at all? Like the old saying goes: watch Megashark versus Crocosaurus once, shame on Netflix, watch Megashark versus Crocosaurus twice, shame on you.


strange loop is a phenomenon in which, whenever movement is made upwards or downwards through the levels of some hierarchical system, the system unexpectedly arrives back where it started.
Just when it seems like we're all trapped in a fruitless, unending cycle of self-defeat, just when it seems like we're all trapped in a fruitless, unending cycle of self-defeat, just when it seems like we're all trapped in a fruitless, unending cycle of self-defeat—the Greek philosopher Heraclitus reminds us that "you could not step twice into the same river." Because the river is continually flowing, it's no longer the same river you'd stepped into before. Likewise one's self is similarly evolving, so you're no longer the same person who'd previously done the stepping.

As we work our ways through the levels of our respective hierarchical systems each year, it's important to remember that. Despite our failures, despite our setbacks
—New Year's and otherwise—none of our attempts at self-improvement, self-reflection, self-understanding, are in vain. That effort alone makes it impossible for any of us to truly find ourselves back where we started.