Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dinner by Ambien

Just when it seemed like it wasn't possible for God to have any more fun at the expense of my dating life, I realized my subconscious has been enjoying a rare, but real, side effect of the medication Zolpidem: sleep eating.

Luckily, it was recognized early on, about half a jar of peanut butter, a full box of ice cream sandwiches, three pounds, and
oddlyone beer in. It's comforting to know that while my subconscious is an uncontrollable food zombie, it's also a very responsible drinker. Maybe it planned to do a little sleep-driving later and didn't want to be too buzzed.

My family has a long history of nocturnal abnormalities. My little brother is a rageful sleeper-talker who verbally abuses my parents' fold-out couch each holiday season. Once, my older brother, in a dead stupor, tackled his college roommate because, he sleep-explained, he thought the roommate was a "fire bug." And when I was ten, my mother found me, drenched and dosing, in her shower at 3:00am.

I can't help but wonder why such traits kept slipping through my family's genetic cracks. Between midnight ranting, sleep bathing, and aggressive fire bug dealings, how our ancestors were not Darwined out of the food chain centuries ago is a mystery. Some people's children right?