Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Everyone’s got a doomsday theory these days. You’re probably familiar with the usual end times entourage: Solar flares, the Mayans and their long count calendar (seriously I haven't seen a scheduling system that bad since Lotus Notes), and of course, good old Nostradamus who’s been predicting hell fire and doom for the past 500 years.

So it’s only fair that I get to throw my hat in the ring with a few last-call prophecies of my own. As a sage soothsayer who blends starling foresight with fine Kentucky bourbon, it’s the myth, the legend, the functioning alcoholic: Drunkadamus.

Gather round sports fans and let’s start this lampoon,
Don’t crowd Drunkadamus (I’ve been wasted since noon)
I've never liked being the bearer of bad news,
But mankind’s last days come with a number of clues.

No more ass and cart in these modern new ages,
Metal chariots will be built with levers and gauges.

With road rage and accidents off the proverbial charts. 
It's clear that the asses are now driving the carts.

A web thoughts now form that we all travel to,
Where a Nigerian prince has a business deal for just you.
This revolutionary creation makes the world intertwine,
And all for three simple payments of $19

A whole flight you’ll now climb without taking a step,
It sounds crazy - yes - this foreign conc
The technology is amazing but if truth must be told,
Often they’re broken and look like a staircase of old.

What can we do Drunkadamus? Who’ll come to our aid?
I can’t give a solution – that’s above my pay grade.
While it does sound quite grim, don’t worry my friend,
We have plenty of booze to last us till then!