Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXX

5) Heterochromia iridum, or having two different color eyes, occurs in approximately six out of 1,000 which seems way more common than I've ever statistically noticed.

4) The zebra puzzle is a logic puzzle attributed to Albert Einstein. Allegedly only 2% of the population can solve it.
3) In 1918, the USS Cyclops vanished without a trace within the area known as the Bermuda Triangle. The ship was carrying 306 crew and passengers at the time of its disappearance and neither the ship nor any survivors have ever been recovered.
2) Intuition is defined as "immediate understanding, knowledge, or awareness, derived neither from perception nor from reasoning." The mind chatters away like a crazy person, so to hone your intuitive inclinations, we need to silence this rambling lunatic by taking only our five senses into account.
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Feed Me Seymour

If all the cities in the U.S. met up for drinks one night after work, D.C. would show up late, bogart the pitcher of sangria, dominate the table conversation, then plop down a ten spot when it was time to split the tab. An hour later, D.C. would make a booty call to a metropolitan equivalent of a 5—Richmond for example—show up sloppy, be lazy in the sack, and not even give a courtesy call the next day.

The point is, D.C. is a taker.

Recently, a work project dominated the lion's share of my free time. Like a tornado through a Kansas City trailer park, my nights, weekends, even lunches were sucked into the vacuum. And after the storm, like a Kansas City trailer park resident, I was confused, disorientated and left with the question: "Where the hell are my pants?"

D.C. is the type town that will gladly accept all the extra we're willing to give. From our jobs that asks for few hours on the weekends, to the Metro which wants our patience while single-tracking, to the homeless who wonder if we have a dollar to spare. And while I believe that accomplishing anything worthwhile requires that we devote the best, and most, of ourselves to it, how do you know when that energy is channeling your life's dreams and when it's fueling a giant man-eating plant?

Delphic Maxim

When I turned 30 and received my key to the kingdom of relationship insights — you'll know more when you get there, I'm not really supposed to talk about it — I finally understood why so many people spend their twenties in relationships that are less successful than Donald Trump's presidency.

Our twenties are quite possibly the worst time to seek out a romantic partner. When we're in our twenties, we are actually terrible judges of our own character. But ask any twenty-something and they'll tell you how they're smarter than the average person. And harder working. More mature and pragmatic. Less likely to panic in a crisis. And a better driver.

By your thirties, both you and your potential mate, will have had a few real world experiences under your belt to give you a better sense of the person you truly are. It's likely you've dealt with a profound personal or professional setback; or the death of a loved one; or a serious health issue; or been dishonorably discharged from your position as office safety monitor because following the 2011 earthquake rather than lead a group of lawyers to safety, you ran for the hills to save yourself while shouting, "I'll see the rest of you in hell!"

Once you've established this heightened sense of self, your dating sensor becomes equally honed and highly sophisticated. Sorta like that computer screen lens thing the Terminator used. 

You're able to instantly analyze the data received from a potential dating partner and calculate the likelihood of a successful union. For example:

Hipster skinny jeans + PBR + misuse of irony

= MISMATCH

Popped collar polo shirt + hair gel + douchey sense of entitlement

= MISMATCH 

Suit and tie + piercing blue eyes + aura of education 

= TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE TOUCH PACKAGE—

*Wham Wham* Sorry about that.

It will still occasionally malfunction. Which I tried to explain to that judge, but he went ahead and charged me with eleven counts of lewd conduct anyway.

Nemesis

Along every career path there exists an Office Nemesis.

What makes the Office Nemesis relationship so interesting is its often one-sided dynamic. Your average feud will originate from a dramatic event, such as an affair, violent fight, or sports team loss.

But the catalyst behind an office clash is far more subtle, typically some imagined slight or perceived insult. For example:

"He never unjams the printer because he thinks his job is more important than mine."

"She asks super involved questions at the very end of meetings because she has no respect for my schedule."

"He's always looking at me with his stupid face."

Since the source of these office dramas is largely self-manufactured, the resulting feuds are often played out entirely in our own minds.

Memento

As someone whose been involved in her fair share of interoffice disputes, it's worth some reflection. Maybe I do keep looking at them with my stupid face?

But I'm receptive to the notion that a little perspective can keep interactions with an Office Nemesis from resulting in unprofessional behavior, delayed deadlines, and workplace blackouts.

In my willingness to embrace a win-win approach to workplace politics, I turned to my brother for his sensible, pragmatic advice. He advised,

"You've been freelancing for over a year... you don't have any coworkers. I've heard you refer to your desk lamp as your boss..."

So it's by no means impossible to take a positives approach to office dynamics. And I should know, my boss was total asshole.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXIX

5) These simple questions can reveal a great deal about your true character.
4) The Soundsnap website provides sound clips organized by category ranging from ice clinking in a glass to boat fog horn.
3) In 1903, a stone phallus weighing 2.2 tons was unearthed in rural Ohio. I would've guessed Idaho.

2) The best of Dr. Spaceman.

1) Mitch Hedberg's hilarious non sequitur brand of comedy.

My Date With A Beautiful Man

Now this isn't to say I haven't dated my share of attractive fellows—cause don't get me wrong—I have. But I've discovered there is a significant and profound difference between dating your average attractive guy and a painfully, ridiculously, over-the-top handsome man.

Exhibit A:

Paging Dr. Goodbody anyone? 

As the date approached, drinks after work, my anticipation grew. I passed the time by updating my e-mail signature block to read "Doctor’s Wife" which subsequently crashed my Outlook and provided my IT help desk administrator fifteen minutes of uproarious laughter.

So there’s a stereotype that men are superficial swine content to value appearance over more substantive traits like personality, ambition, or a basic mastery of the alphabet; while women, in contrast, need depth, insightfulness, and a full fledged melding of spirits to solidify attraction.

I did not find this to be the case. I realized the shocking extent of my own shallowness on the date with Dr. Goodbody. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about. He might well have been speaking in Portuguese. Rather than paying attention to what he was saying, I was simply thinking over and over again: "Hooooooooot. If I spill something on his shirt will he take it off??"

It could be that my utter lack of attention to the conversation resulted in the deficiency of future dates. At the end of the night, he hailed me a cab, gave me a squeeze, and went back to wherever it is that beautiful men go at the end of their day. But not without imparting a lasting impression on not only me but also my cab driver who commented, "My goodness that was a nice-looking man."

How right you are Ameed.

The lesson here: really, really, crazy good-looking men should not be allowed to just wander free. They should be kept in museums or parceled into companies like Netflix where women can rent them for an evening.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXVIII

1) Dr. Pepper was, in fact, believed to have been named after a real doctor, Charles T. Pepper, while Dr. Seuss was simply a pen name.
2) Rock Paper Scissors holds a surprising amount of hidden science specifically the Nash Equilibrium. In a nutshell, choose paper.
3) My Myers-Briggs personality type is INFJ.
4) Top movie closing lines.

5) Let the music play down at Fraggle Rock. Or else.

Southern Comfort

I'm not saying there's a shortage of southern gentlemen in D.C., but I've lived in the area for seven years now and the last man to open a door for me was a locksmith.

Southern gentleman in the Washington Metro Area come around as rarely as a blue moon or a Republican who doesn't sound like he's acting on orders from the planet Unetav.

The trouble is, the area is teeming with the Southern Gentleman's natural enemy: the bro.

Bro outbreak? Try "Bro Bomb" by the makers of "Bro Be Gone"

Bros can be identified by their pastel hues, gelled hair, and of course, douchey sense of entitlement. Spotting a bro is also often accompanied by the overwhelming desire to punch him in the face until your hand breaks. If there's still confusion, please refer to the below test to assist in categorizing your specimen:

Subject holds his liquor like a:
(a) Gentleman.
(b) Sixteen year girl.

Subject has taken a picture of himself using his own cell phone, then posted said picture onto a social media account:
(a) Good Lord no. A man would rather kill himself.
(b) Yes, five time since the start of this question.

Subject can drive a manual car:
(a) Yes. Never driven anything else.
(b) Like, you mean on Grand Theft Auto?

Subject has discharged a firearm:
(a) Of course. But only in a safe, responsible manner as the Second Amendment allows.
(b) That's what SHE said!

If subject answers (b) to even one of the above questions immediately commence with punching him in the face until your hand breaks.

However, if subject answered straight (a)s, Congratulations, you've found yourself a genuine, slow-drawled, rough-handed cowboy! Other signs include: increased tolerance of whiskey, him guiding you through crowds with his hand on the small of your back, and bra beginning to unhook itself.

Mental Health Mullet

Having a mental illness sucks. It sucks so badly, I'm literally forced to pay people [psychiatrist, therapist] to talk to me about it. Everyone else is two sentences away from realizing they have something less uncomfortable to do.

As a society we've broken through many gender, racial and religious barriers, why is it when it comes to the the stigma of mental illness, we're still slaves to the rubber stamp and its arbitrary "crazy" or "sane" label?

Imagine telling someone with cancer that "Hey guy, it could be so much worse, you could have schizophrenia. You could struggle with depression or experience persistent anxiety.". But tell someone you're bipolar, and you not only relinquish the sympathy you'd normally garner from having an illness, it also give strangers the green light to ask you weird questions:

"So, do you have multiple personalities?"

"Aren't you like really good in bed?"

"Can you fly?"

No, yes, and sometimes.

Mental health issues still weirds people out, which frankly, pisses me off. Because thanks to the combined efforts of three different mood stabilizers, I'm the sanest person I know. And when it comes to psychological wellness, I've discovered the average person wears a mental health mullet: normal in the front, fucking cuckoo bananas crazy lunatic in the back.

They don't know they're crazy

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXVII

5) A slowplay in poker, also called sandbagging or trapping, is a deceptive strategy intended to lure opponents into a pot who might otherwise fold to a raise.
4) The red string of fate connects those destined to meet. The cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.
3) I've been practicing the Thriller dance since 1982 just in case Michael Jackson comes back as that zombie. Safety-first. 

2) Soundsnap can satisfy with your audio needs with a large bank of sounds like laser bursts and an impressive collection of fart sounds organized by depth, breath, and length.
1) The man asked a question.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXVI

5) Each Monopoly game token has a unique backstory but most importantly reveals traits about the player who chooses it (i.e. if the race car is your go-to game piece you're friendly and versatile.)

4) The rock band AC/DC's name is a tribute to the rivalry between Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison.
3) 4'33" is a composition by composer John Cage. The performer does not speak or play an instrument during the piece, creating four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence.
2) The Dyatlov Pass incident is an eerie event that occurred on February 2, 1959 when nine highly experienced hikers died in the Ural mountains. The following investigation yielded more questions than answers. It was discovered the hikers had frantically cut through their tent racing into the night barefoot or partially clothed.

All were found with bizarre injuries, such as broken bones, a severely fractured skull, and one hiker was missing her tongue and eyes. The inquest could only determine the causes of death as the result of an "unknown compelling force".
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The Miracle Question

Two dominating and contrasting ideologies exist on approaching business enterprise : a problem-focused model and a solution-focused one.

To be "solution-focused" is a unique business strategy. It ignores the details and nuances of your problem and concentrates the efforts solely on the remedy. Differing from "problem-focused" which ignores potential solutions and concentrates entirely on "Bats! Bats! Dear God how did all these bats get in here?!?!"

We manage personal affairs with similar dichotomies. But if we're problem-focused how do we re-frame to a solution driven mindset? Solution-Focused Therapy credits The Miracle Question. This basic thought experiment is simple: one night a miracle has occurred. Every problem in your world, those that would normally preoccupy your time and energy has been magically resolved. When you awaken the next morning, what's the very first thing that you notice, however tiny or insignificant, which lets you know this miracle has occurred? How does the Miracle reveal that it's taken place?

What makes The Miracle Question so empowering is it allows us to recognize we're already equip with the toolbox necessary to obtain our desired outcome. We presently know what the solution to our problem looks and feels like and can immediately pinpoint its appearance. Not only is every qualification for achieving our goal already in our possession, but we're intimately familiar with it.

The Miracle Question is an excellent resource for overcoming life's often problem-centeric dogma. It can achieve a new perspective, rewrite an outdated playbook, or be the light at the end of a bat filled tunnel.

Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part XXV

5) My older brother worked for a certain pharmaceutical company who subsequently merged with and was finally bought out by Biogen. After the pharma company merger, my brother found himself in charge of quality control of their top selling MS drug, TYSABRI the first, only, and successful MS therapy I've been on.

4) Test your ESP skills and let me know when there'll be a cure for multiple sclerosis, what it might look like, and where it might be found.
3) MS affects coordination and balance which can result in stumbling or even falling. But my doctor says it's okay as long as my falling is hilarious.
2) Cannabis has been hugely effective in providing relief of MS symptoms such as pain, muscle stiffness, and insomnia, among others, without the intense side effects of traditional MS medications
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Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXV

5) How common or rare is your birthday?
4) When people see something adorable, like a baby or a puppy, our typical response is to associate it as something edible (e.g. I want to munch those little feet right off). The combination of cuteness and dopamine reminds us of food. The overlapping senses unconsciously create the desire to put cute things in our mouths.

I could just eat them on toast

3) It's estimated only 2% of the world's population have green eyes, making them equally as rare as heterochromia iridis (having two different color eyes).
2) I went on a wonderful date last night. I've got a great feeling about this guy, Keyser Söze he might be the one.

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Rube Goldberg

Melvin the Machine

The Cadillac of Cactus

How long does a relationship with a younger guy last? About as long as he does in bed. I thought I was pretty clever when I started casually seeing a younger guy. Simple, relaxed, easy. A welcome break from the sometimes stressful DC dating circuit.

DC is teeming with urban Alphas. When dating these career-driven capitalists or political heavy hitters there's an underlying pressure to be constantly on your "A Game." To be engaging, outgoing, smart. To know the right people and the right things to say. And it should all come in a vogue, pilate-toned package.

Being with a baby-faced Beta was refreshing at first, like caring for a low maintenance houseplant. It didn't need much water, specific periods of daylight, or fancy plant food. It was the cactus of relationships. Completely content—arguably happier—with my "B Game." But freedom from a more demanding relationship comes at a price: the realization that even the Cadillac of Cacti, is ultimately still a cactus. Flora and dating's lowest performing stock.

Limited relationship longevity aside, my Cactus did help me reach an epiphany—which can be harder to have as you get older—dating in DC is tough and it's tempting to slack, settle or end up with someone who's not right for you out of loneliness, convenience, or various social pressures. But did you know there are 2,000 types of Cacti in world? I find that comforting when facing the daunting task of DC dating. Some day, I'll find that one special prick that's meant for me.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXIV

5) The best line from the Comedy Central's Roast of Stephen Hawking: "I. See. That. Andy. Dick. Is. Here. Tonight. I. Presume. He. Wants. Me. To. Tell. Him. How. A. Black. Hole. Swallowed. His. Career...No. No. I. Kid. Andy. It's. Not. Fair. To. Make. Fun. Of. People. With. Disabilities. Boom. Roasted."
4) My blood type, AB Positive, is known as the "Universal Recipient" because we can receive blood from every other blood type but can only donate to other AB Positives. Universal Recipient—I haven't been called that since college.
3) Albert Einstein didn't receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his Theory of Relativity, but rather for his explanation of the photoelectric effect.
2) This horse from Turkey has the title of the most beautiful horse in the world and "looks like its been dipped in gold."

But is he single?

1) Michael Jordan's "Failure" Nike commercial is considered the most inspirational sports commercial of all time.

Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXIII

5) After spending an amount of time researching Jack the Ripper, I will describe only as "too much," I've discovered his identity: Aaron Kosminski. You're welcome. Now, can someone give my psychiatrist Dr. T. Bear a ring?

4) Pablo Neruda was the pen name and, later, legal name of the Chilean poet-diplomat and politician Neftali Ricardo Reyes Basoalto. In 1971 Pablo Neruda won the Nobel Prize for Literature.

3) "When you do things right people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

2)  Spooky action at a distance occurs faster than the speed of light.
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Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part XXIV

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4) What positives come from having MS? Plenty, but when I first asked myself this question, I discounted all characteristics of personal growth like developing inner strength or fostering happiness as insignificant. The only results that'd be worth the price of admission would be if MS meant that you could suddenly fly or beatbox. 
3) MS has a lot of nerve costing anyone with it a single cent. Let's just talk for a second about what it owes me.

2) Despite the staggering advances medical science has made in recent years with MS, there's still plenty that everyone has gotten wrong about the condition.
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Everything I Know Is Ridiculous - Part XXII

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4) On September 11, 2001, Thomas Hoepker was in New York during the World Trade Center attack. Of the hundreds of images Hoepker captured that day the one below dramatically stood out for numerous reasons, including the perceived indifference of the subjects to the nation's tragedy.

3) What's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.
2) Roses are red
    Violets are Blue
    Sunflowers are yellow
    This isn't meant to be romantic, these are just gardening facts.
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Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part XXIII

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Multiple Sclerosis and Me: 5 Things I've learned about MS - Part XXII

5) A who's who list of the the MS community. Everyone who's anyone in the MS world makes the cut, including Jack Osborne, Ann Romney, and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.
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3) DON'T QUIT.
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