Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part II

1) A slowplay in poker, also called sandbagging or trapping, is a deceptive strategy intended to lure opponents into a pot who might otherwise fold to a raise.
2) The red string of fate connects those destined to meet. The cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.
3) Howard Storm, a devout atheist and college professor, was leading a three and a half week European art tour when a perforated stomach led to a terrifying near-death experience.
4) Breaking the fourth wall occurs when an actor speaks directly to or otherwise acknowledges the audience. Examples include Shakespeare, House of Cards or me every morning in the shower.
5) Cats have a longer short-term memory than dogs, 16 hours compared to five minutes. Isn't that right Professor?

When You're Going Through Hell

I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were laying

But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees might as well be praying

If you're going through hell
Keep on going
Don't slow down
If you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

When you're going through hell
Keep on moving
Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

~Rodney Atkins
 

Boring Work Days and Me: 5 Things I've Learned Before 5:00pm - Part I

1) More than a third of Major League baseball pitchers are left-handers, about three times the average among the general population. But why? Science How Stuff Works rules out witchcraft so I've exhausted my theories. Instead it's explained with a lot of scientific and technical mumbo jumbo with frankly still sound a lot like witchcraft to me.
2) Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.
3) Among notable musicians who played left-handed are Jimi Hendrix, Paul McCartney and Justin Bieber.
4) The rock band AC/DC's name is a tribute to the rivalry between Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison. 

5) James Jesus Angleton, the also left handed counterintelligence chief at the CIA from 1954 to 1975, suffered from crippling paranoia. 

But he like, these other unheeded paranoiacs, turned out to be right in the end. Read more and you'll see, you'll all see.

Feed Me Seymour

If all the cities in the U.S. met up for drinks one night after work, D.C. would show up late, bogart the pitcher of sangria, dominate the table conversation, then plop down a ten spot when it was time to split the tab. An hour later, D.C. would make a booty call to a metropolitan equivalent of a 5—Richmond for example—show up sloppy, be lazy in the sack, and not even give a courtesy call the next day.

The point is, D.C. is a taker.

Recently, a work project dominated the lion's share of my free time. Like a tornado through a Kansas City trailer park, my nights, weekends, even lunches were sucked into the vacuum. And after the storm, like a Kansas City trailer park resident, I was confused, disorientated and left with the question: "Where the hell are my pants?"

D.C. is the type town that will gladly accept all the extra we're willing to give. From our jobs that asks for few hours on the weekends, to the metro which wants our patience while single-tracking, to the homeless who wonder if we have a dollar to spare. And while I believe that accomplishing anything worthwhile requires that we devote the best, and most, of ourselves to it, how do you know when that energy is channeling your life's dreams and when it's fueling a giant man-eating plant?

Bipolar Like Us

What's it like being diagnosed as Bipolar II? Imagine you're going through a particularly rough period in your life and you have these two asshole roommates who are at your place all the time.

Bipolar II is a tricky rascal to diagnosis. What distinguishes it from Bipolar I is the absence of Bipolar I's trademark mania.

Because the Bipolar II spectrum only reaches hypomania, a mood state characterized by increased energy, productivity and confidence, it's often mistaken for simple high-functioning behavior.

Mania wants to fly to Vegas, rob a Casino, and start a high-speed police chase. Hypomania would rather work quietly and efficiently on a home improvement project or screenplay.

Hypomania's my jam. For me, it shows up like a childhood friend on your front porch who asks "Want to ride bikes?" The world feels like it's on your side when you're hypomanic. It roots for you, shows you possibilities and connections. It's influenced my writing in ways I'll probably never fully understand. And I'll admit, now that — medically speaking — my next years will be devoted to not experiencing this sensation again, there's a part of me that feels like I'm taking the blue pill. 

But since I'm being honest, there's an equal part of me that recognizes the destructive path that Bipolar II has walked through my life. I see it in all the risks I've taken, all the opportunities I've lost, all the people I've hurt. 

And while my diagnosis was a series of personal and profound "a-ha" moments for me, I also had to understand how relatively little it meant to the rest of the world. My college Dean didn't call to personally apologize and cancel my student loans. "Again, we're terribly sorry for the mix-up, we'll be refunding your payments over the years and sending a fruit basket." There wasn't a steady stream of ex-boyfriends calling to apologize and admit that I was in fact right about any outstanding or unresolved fights. The Daily Show didn't immediately contact me to book a guest appearance. "As a hero and an inspiration, how do you do it?" I mean, they still have time, they're a busy show.

Immediately following my diagnosis, I felt an overwhelming elation. Anyone who's struggled with mental health issues knows that just being able to put a name, any name, to what you're experiencing is a victory in itself. Yes! My crazy is recognized by the APA! In your face universe! But these roommates have needs: medication management, individual therapy, group therapy, mood charts, sleep hygiene. Mental health can feel like a mountain that you have to climb. But I hear the view from the top is worth it.

"No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side.

Or you don't."

~Stephen King, The Stand

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part XVII

1) Ain't no burn like a Don Draper burn.
2) Whenever I'm feeling down or in need of guidance, I think of the big guy upstairs and his words give me comfort. "We all have ways of coping. I use sex and awesomeness." ~Alec Baldwin
3) Not sure if the Cat-Shaming website shames cats...or us.
4) The best line from the Comedy Central's Roast of Stephen Hawking: "I. See. That. Andy. Dick. Is. Here. Tonight. I. Presume. He. Wants. Me. To. Tell. Him. How. A. Black. Hole. Swallowed. His. Career...No. No. I. Kid. Andy. It's. Not. Fair. To. Make. Fun. Of. People. With. Disabilities. Boom. Roasted."
5) I'm currently working on a political piece that's a comprehensive commentary examining how the changing roles of women and religion affect DC politics. For example, the female partner I work for is so Jewish—

Bipolar and Me and Me: 5 Things I've Learned about Bipolar II Disorder - Part III

Bipolar and Me and Me: 5 Things I've Learned about Bipolar II Disorder - Part II

1) Get familiar with your medications, their side effects and alternative treatments. And don't expect anyone who looks like Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence to show up at your support group meetings.
2) The Oh Brother Where Art Thou? scenes with George Nelson are some of the most accurate cinematic representations of Bipolar mood shifts I've ever seen.
3) A little humor, can be a lot of help.

4) "Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." ~Bill Clinton. 
5) Every day mania and depression will battle for dominance over your mood, emotions, and mental well being. They'll tell you no one understands you, that things will never improve, that the world would be better off without you. Mental illness is the most skilled liar you'll ever meet. "Happiness is a choice. You have to choose it – and you have to fight for it."ª Always be fighting. (Key: Balrog = mental illness, Gandalf = us)

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part XVI

1) Talamakuy is an anual practice by the inhabitants of Chumbivilcas Province near Cuzco in Peru. During the festival, which occurs on December 25th, individuals are encouraged to drink and fight one another to settle old conflicts.
2) "Lisa's Sax" is the third episode of The Simpsons' ninth season. In a series of flashbacks, the viewer learns the origin of Lisa's saxophone. The episode ends with Lisa's performance of Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street."
3) Will Shortz, the crossword puzzle editor for The New York Times, is the only person known to hold a college degree in enigmatology, or the study of puzzles.
4) The Hodge Conjecture is a major unsolved problem in algebraic geometry that relates the algebraic topology of a non-singular complex algebraic variety and the subvarieties of that variety.
5) This horse from Turkey was announced the most beautiful horse in the world.

But is he single?

 

Bipolar and Me and Me: 5 Things I've Learned about Bipolar II Disorder

1) About 2.5% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of bipolar disorder – nearly 6 million people. So we're in good company.

2) The psychiatrist I'd been seeing for the past three years misdiagnosed my condition. He was less like a medical doctor, and more like the doctors in Spies Like Us.
3) Bipolar II is pretty trendy these days. As a result, it's earned the false reputation as the milder, more fun younger brother of Bipolar I. Like the kind of easygoing mental illness you could have a beer with. The reality is, Bipolar II is different from Bipolar I but still equally severe.

4) Studies have shown a link between Bipolar Disorder and Creativity. But when I enact a full performance of The Pirates of Penzance with my cats, it's still considered "weird."
5) "If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." ~George Bernard Shaw

Just Deduce It

Known for astute logical reasoning, use of disguise, and forensic science skills, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson were a Law & Order: Grisly 19th Century Homicide Unit.

 

Not sure if in love with Sherlock Holmes.....or with Robert Downy Jr.

What is it about the Watson-Holmes match-up that makes it so effective? The success of this twosome is more than just simply two Industrial Age bros joining forces to create the ultimate crime-solving team. I theorize that a yin and yang dynamic is fundamental to a successful partnership. And when it comes to relationships, you're either a Sherlock Holmes or a Dr. Watson.

Show your work.

The Cat Ambassador Program recently discovered an odd couple pairing between young cheetahs and Anatolian Shepherd puppies. Their contrasting but unexpectedly symbiotic personalities make this union more effective than it is adorable. The shepherd's steady disposition neutralizes the naturally tweaky cheetah, while the cheetah's energy stimulates the mellow shepherd.

The result is so sweet, I could stir it into my morning coffee. While the use of cross-species experimentation is perhaps better suited for wildlife conservation than dating, the concept strikes a cord. In relationships, how do we choose what we need in a partner rather than what we want?

If you examine your own relationship, spend an evening with a couple, or crouch in the bushes spying on my married neighbors, you'll quickly discover the Watson/Holmes balance appears in every successful relationship.

Where Holmes is calculated, Watson is intuitive. When Holmes is methodical, Watson is visceral. A Holmes-Holmes match is oppressively analytical while a Watson-Watson pairing lacks grounding and direction. But once you place Holmes in the driver seat, you'll find Watson content to navigate this union off into the sunset.

Or at least as far as the oddly homoerotic second movie.

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part XV

1) The zebra puzzle is a logic puzzle attributed to Albert Einstein. Allegedly only 2% of the population can solve it.
2) The Tenzing-Hillary Everest Marathon reaches heights of 18,200 feet. Participants spend three weeks in Nepal prior to the race to acclimate to the high altitude.
3) In 1918, the USS Cyclops vanished without a trace within the area known as the Bermuda Triangle. The ship was carrying 306 crew and passengers at the time of its disappearance and neither the ship nor any survivors have ever been recovered. 
4) Michael Jordan's "Failure" Nike commercial is the most inspirational sports commercial of all time.
5) Chronic sleep deprivation can cause fatigue, daytime sleepiness, clumsiness, weight loss or gain as well as adverse affects on the brain and cognitive function. But don't worry. Dr. FluffyFur assures me it's alright.

Don't Panic

What does a panic attack feel like?

Well, the long answer is complicated. Anxiety disorders, stress issues, and panic attacks tend to be greeted with a gigantic eye roll. I've heard panic attacks sarcastically described as the result of too many First World Problems. In fact, if you'd asked me 5-years ago what I thought of such conditions, I'd have placed them in the same category as chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia, not real medical conditions, simply the imagined aliment of people too lazy to get cancer.

Luckily, the universe finds it hilarious for me to get my comeuppance.

About three years ago, after a series of personal and professional misnomers, I started experiencing general anxiety. It was the persistent and unceasing sense that something terrible was about to happen. Like alien invasion terrible. Like entire family murdered by killer clowns terrible. Like The Godfather, Part III terrible.

At first, I tried to bully these symptoms into compliance with "To-Do" lists, schedules, and punishing Type-A self-criticism. If I could just fix everything that was wrong in my life, the feelings would go away right? But nothing relieved the feelings of impending dread and my endless stack of "To-Do" lists started to creep out my roommate. I worried that maybe I couldn't hack the stressful DC life anymore. That I was losing my mind, losing control, losing my sense of self.

So the short answer is that panic attacks feel enormous. Like the world is ending and it's all your fault. They're surreal, nightmarish episodes of intense panic and my heart goes out to everyone in the world who struggles with them. I think of my 5-years ago self who was so quick to criticize the condition and I'm terrified by her serial killer-like lack of empathy.

But I'd have gained nothing from the experience if I was too hard on her. Because I like to think that I'm strangely richer for it. Anxiety makes your world smaller. And you can't combat a shrinking world with intolerance or criticism. Nothing but positive, compassionate understanding can lead you out of the catacombs.

Am I a better person because of my panic attacks? I have to be.

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part XIV

1) Aces and Eights. They should always be split in Blackjack and are known as the Dead Man's Hand in poker.
2) "Who's on first?" is a comedy routine made famous by Abbott and Costello.
3) Fake Name Generator gives you alias options by gender, nationality, and age range. Need a 29 year old German who lives in South Africa? Meet Heike Kuester.
4) What's the best episode of How I Met Your Mother? Any episode that features the "bang, bang, bangity-bang" song.

5) What does 2014 hold? Paul Krassner has your answers.

Blue Monday

January is a rough time of year. With its yuletide debt, post holiday weight gain, and temperatures as comforting as a Scottish dungeon, people find January so bleak that the last Monday of the month has been dubbed Blue Monday. This year;s Blue Monday promises to be the quite literally the worst day ever, January 16, 2017.

If you're anxious to shake yourself out of this wintery slump, studies have shown that consciously practicing gratitude has a substantial impact on your mood, outlook, and overall happiness. Tallying the things that you're grateful for, no matter how big or small, can substantially raise your spirits during the bleakest of winters.

The hectic pace of D.C. can make it easy to overlook those tiny nuggets of happiness and good fortune in our lives, so in the spirit of appreciation, I took stock of 5 things that I'm grateful for:

Colored pencils;

Unlimited champagne when you get your nails done at Mimosa;

The Unicorn Commute: when the train arrives just as you get to the platform, no delays, and you get a seat with a fresh copy of the The Express under i,. Yahtzee;

15 years of running;

Maintaining gainful employment despite choosing English as my college major (with a minor in useless literature). Suckers...

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part XIII

1) How common or rare is your birthday?
2) 4'33" is a composition by composer John Cage. The performer does not speak or play an instrument during the piece, creating four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence.
3) There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks ''Where'd you learn to drive this thing?''
4) When brain researcher Jill Bolte Taylor experienced a massive stroke, it was an opportunity to "study the brain from the inside out." 
5) My blood type, AB Positive, is known as the "Universal Recipient" because we can receive blood from every other blood type but can only donate to other AB Positives. Universal Recipient — I haven't been called that since college.

4:00am

There's nothing I love more than a good conspiracy therory, and as someone who often finds herself awake at 4:00am comtemplating the meaning of life or fearing there's an iron somewhere in the world that I've accidently left on, John Rives' saitriacal The 4 A.M. Mystery featured in the 2007 Ted Talks conference, is sharp, satisfying, and makes me wish I was doing something more interesting at 4:00am than eating Nutella straight out of the jar.   

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part XII

1) Leonardo da Vinci has an estimated IQ of 220. To put that in perspective, Albert Einstein's estimated IQ measured in at around 160.
2) Pirahã might be the world's most unusual language. Possessing just eight consonants and three vowels, it also has no system for counting.
3) Fat talk is a body-degrading self conversation that women engage in. Many theorize one of its causes is the consistent media message that celebrities and models represent the "ideal" or perfect female body. In reality, models are significantly thinner than 98% of the population.
4) In Xanadu did Kubla Khan, A stately pleasure-dome decree.

5) Don't hate the player, hate Unatav the alien overlord from the planet Zarton who started an intergalactic space feud. That guy is an asshole.

Santa Pause

Nowadays, Santa's actions would be classified as criminally insane.

However, as children we're told that once a year—while we're asleep, mind you—a colorful, omnipresent lunatic is welcomed into our homes and allowed to punish or reward us for our actions. How exactly does Santa determine what's considered naughty or nice? And what kind of quality control does he have for this alleged list of his? Checking it twice? That's less than the number of times I checked my cell phone while I was writing this post. 

Why is a poorly dressed, largely unemployed madman with an animal fetish and an elf internment camp responsible for determining the moral integrity of the gift receiving community? This isn't a Christmas Tale, it reads more like the plot of an episode of Investigation Discovery.

Put the Fish in the Freezer

I thought I'd heard every possible break up story my girlfriends could tell.

I was wrong. 

A friend of mine — ah yeah, you don't know her — had a relationship a few years back that she was pretty excited about. On a road trip with her man through the Virginia countryside, talk turned to the idea of buying a dog together. My friend jokingly suggested that they buy a cow instead. A few weeks later, he buys her a fish that he's named "Cow." Adorable right? 

A few weeks after that, seemingly out of the blue, he breaks up with her. My friend is devastated but retains custody of Cow. Fresh off the break-up, she felt she couldn't give Cow the home he deserved and asked her parents to adopt Cow. Soon after, Cow tragically passed away. I suspect suicide, he had a lot of his own stuff going on. Knowing how special Cow was to my friend, her father couldn't bring himself to simply flush Cow into fish heaven. So he puts Cow in the freezer.

Eventually he does break the news to my friend but she just wasn't emotionally ready to deal with Cow's death. So she has her dad put Cow back in the freezer where he stays for the next two years.

Holy symbolism Batman.

In relationships, how often do we put the fish in the freezer? 

From dodgy conversations about a relationship status, to moving in together, to having kids, to problems in the bedroom, it's always easier to simply put the fish in the freezer. And we have a laundry list of reasons for why it's better to avoid the issue: we don't want to start a fight, we need more time, heck, maybe the problem will work itself out, like a bad haircut or the conflicts in Egypt.  

In theory, your respective fish could stay in the freezer forever. In fact, recent studies found that 7 out of 10 households have the remains of a departed goldfish in their freezers. But when said fish is addressed, we all suddenly turn into teenagers caught with a bag of weed, "I'm, uh, just holding that for a friend!"

Palm Pilot

I got a palm reading the other day. I could say it was on a total whim, or that I don't really believe in that stuff, or that no baby I've never tried it before but with right guy I might be open to it, but that wouldn't be true. 

So the palm reading was not, in fact, my first foray into the occultic realm. Between palm readings, tarot cards, and aura cleanings I've spend a handful of dollars hoping for a glimpse into what my romantic future might hold. And while my little brother reminds me that this money could be better spent on pretty much anything besides crack, my most recent palm reader had an insight for me that I'd never heard before: she told me I'd already met my soulmate.

There was no need to flip through my mental Rolodex of exes, because everyone has "the one that got away." Not got away due to some sort of epic relationship fall out, or his arraignment hearing, or because he finally found the key to your sex dungeon, but got away because something, something small and nameless, in the relationship didn't quite work out.

Ladies and gentleman I'd like to present my potential lost soulmate:

        
Yeah, I know, you can't tell me anything I haven't already told myself each time I renew my Match subscription. 

Okay, Universe, I get it. He is very handsome. 

We were college sweethearts. He never hogged the covers and let me dance on his toes. He taught me how to how to change a timing belt and I encouraged him to run his first 5K. I made him laugh and he fielded my crazy like Joe DiMaggio. 

But it didn't work out. Looking back there wasn't anything we faced that was so insurmountable that it couldn't have been overcome on our path to soulmatedom.

So maybe he isn't my lost soulmate. Maybe you don't just lose a soulmate like a misplaced sweatshirt that turns up in a Goodwill lost and found years later. Maybe it's sharing our lives that's more important than our souls. After all, if Merriam-Webster doesn't recognize soulmates, I maintain there's no reason for the rest of us to. Except when dealing with angry ex-sex. Obviously.
 

Holidays and the City

I love love love the holiday season. The cooling temperatures, the spirit of giving, being fireman carried out of an open bar office holiday party. It's like DC transforms from November to December. The pace slows, priorities change, even the homeless get festive with their street harassment. "Happy Holidays girl, you look so good I wanna cut you like a Christmas ham."

To honor this special time of year, I present an ode to the Holidays in DC:

When I left my hometown for the law firms in DC,

"Good luck" they all sneered, "We know the tomfoolery you'll see."

All scoundrels and villains and rascals and crocks, 

Who'd shut down an orphanage and cheat the account books.

All tricksters and jokers, whose insides are rotten,

And all of their niceness has been long been forgotten.

But I moved nonetheless, in spite of their jeers,

And my first holiday season, I swallowed my fears.

Would a loving Holiday season be something I'd lose?

To these greedy, back-stabbing, carousing yahoos?

But the city was....nice. A place for Holidays to thrive,

When I'd expected its egos to crush them alive.

People were generous and that's just the start,

It was a city of merit, giving, and heart.

So the season in DC is a time of great cheer,

Happy Holidays to all and a Joyful New Year.

Connecticut Avenue

"I am fighting God. Fighting the limitations he gave me. Fighting the pain. Fighting the unfairness. Fighting all the evil in me and the world. And I will not give in. I will conquer this Hill; and I will conquer it alone." ~George Sheehan

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part XI

1) Searching for a creative Halloween costume idea? I like the "Freudian Slip."
2) I am not clairvoyant.
3) Why is a raven like a writing desk? Spoiler alert: it's not.
4) I like my sugar with coffee and cream.
5) The Voynich Manuscript is a detailed 240-page book written in a language or script that is completely unidentifiable. It's theorized that the the language is a "peculiar double system of arithmetical progressions of a multiple alphabet" or the author wrote it after I'd had a few glasses of wine.

Debt Feeling

If you're like me, words like "disaster," "crisis," and "fiasco" are only used after I've attended an open bar work function. 

But they've been tossed around a lot this October. So much so, it seems Republicans don't know the meaning of the word fear. But then they don't know the meanings of most words. Sure, they're getting a little carried away, the problem is it's never far enough. 

But I'm not concerned. After all, our founding fathers foresaw an abundance of potential congressional fuck ups and took precautions against them.

It's a little know fact that every statue in DC is subject to a powerful ancient enchantment activated by a primordial spell.

Amici nostri adversarii, insaniunt sicut Republicanas hatters. Habent orationis impedimentum pes eorum. Scio jus non vidi partis ire off hoc cursu cum Shackleton expeditione. Nunc autem excitaret homines et protegam civitatem nostram!

[Friends, our Republican adversaries are mad like hatters. They suffer from a speech impediment, their foot. I know right, I haven't seen a party go this off course since the Shackleton Expedition. But now awaken men and protect our city!!]

They will then fully animate and proceed to rummage through the pockets each WMA resident until the coffers are full.

Since October 17th is really a soft deadline for impending financial doom, it's fortunate we have such an effective back up plan. Like a parachute that opens on impact.

Rule of Thumb

My mom recently lost her half her thumb in a lawn mower accident. 

She still hitchhikes, but she only gets halfway home

Post accident, the entirety of the family descended on Western North Carolina bearing sympathy, food, and an arsenal of thumb related humor, that hopefully my mother will continue to enjoy long after the Oxycontin wears off.

A CSI style recreation of the crime scene determined what had happened: while mowing the field, she slipped on the steep hill and the still-running, blade-swirling lawn mower ran over her hand. At that point, she calmly picked herself up, went into the house, and called 911 as she created a makeshift tourniquet out of a towel and a tie. Following a generous swallow of whiskey, she then walked down our mile long, unpaved, rural driveway to meet the EMTs when they arrived.

As she waited, my parents' dog Lady, a cocker spaniel-beagle mutt whose skittish deposition often leaves her prone to panic attacks, stayed by her side the whole time, even trying to jump into the ambulance with her.

While my parents' other dog Andrew, a Great Pyrenees purebred whose breed is specifically known for their protection and loyalty, immediately fled the scene to escape to the barn where my dad found him hiding hours later.

The breakdown of thousands of years of animal care-taking instincts aside, we've slowly come to accept that the Spicuzzas have dropped below the national TPF average (thumbs per family).

D for doughnut

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? 'Don’t even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's back home in the file... under 'D', for 'doughnut'..."

~Mitch Hedberg

Good with Kids

When you've dated a younger guy, everyone is curious about how to the two of you met. Spoiler alert: it wasn't through the Big Brothers Big Sisters program.

At a happy hour one night with my single girlfriend, we start chatting up two cute but baby-faced bachelors. They were adorable diversions from the usual DC bro-man and I'd had just enough glasses of celebration juice to drown my lingering fears that at any moment Amber Alert Agents were going to burst through the windows.

So no one was more surprised than me when a few weeks later I find myself at Junior's surprisingly spacious, well-located, apartment. Of course, there's no food or toilet paper, and his roommate's ex is crashing there, but otherwise it's very comfortable.

We had just ordered a pizza, when somewhere between the couch and door — and completely absent a logical cause such as a carpet nail, warped floorboard, or pile of broken glass — I manage to slice my toe open. Within seconds my foot looks like a cadaver prop they pull out of a swamp on NCIS. In addition, there was a red footprint trail running from his couch to the apartment foyer and back that might draw the police's attention should anyone from his building disappear anytime soon.

How did Junior react to a living room that looked like a crime scene, the inevitable loss of his security deposit to bio-hazard cleaning fees, and Papa John's new, but disappointing, garlic dipping sauce?

Like any former eagle scout, he quickly rigged a makeshift tourniquet, elevated the cut, and microwaved the dipping sauce, which really does improve the taste. God bless the younger guy libido. Well-feed and slightly giddy from blood loss, I was ready to get down to business.

So, the night wasn't a total bust and the doctors think there's a good chance I'll be able to keep my toe.

Am I really a writer?

"If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), 'Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?' chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death." 

~Steven Pressfield

Rule(s)

There are two rules for success:

1) Never tell everything you know.

~Roger H. Lincoln