Nemesis

Along every career path there exists an Office Nemesis. 

What makes the Office Nemesis relationship so interesting is its often one-sided dynamic. Your average feud will originate from a dramatic event, such as an affair, violent fight, or sports team loss. 

But the catalyst behind an office clash is far more subtle, typically some imagined slight or perceived insult. For example:

"He never un-jams the printer because he thinks his job is more important than mine."

"She asks super involved questions at the very end of meetings because she has no respect for my schedule."

"He's always looking at me with his stupid face."

Since the source of these office dramas is largely self-manufactured, the resulting feuds are often played out entirely in our own minds.

Memento

As someone whose been involved in her fair share of interoffice disputes, it's worth some reflection. Maybe I do keep looking at them with my stupid face? 

But, I'm receptive to the idea that a little perspective can keep interactions with an Office Nemesis from resulting in unprofessional behavior, delayed deadlines, and workplace blackouts.

In my willingness to embrace a win-win approach to navigate workplace politics, I turned to my brother for his sensible, pragmatic advice. He advised,

"You've been freelancing for over a year.. you don't have any coworkers. I've heard you refer to your desk lamp as your boss..."

So a little compassion, patience, and understanding can works wonders in mending work dynamics. And I should know, my boss was total asshole.

Soulshine

When you can't find the light,
That got you through a cloudy day,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Now you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.
Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now sometimes I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones,
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:"

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too,
Lord knows,
she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold,
You got to let your spirit take control.

~Allman Brothers

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part VIII

1) During World War II at the Sweden-Norway border, 77 was used as a password, because the tricky pronunciation in Swedish made it easy to instantly discern whether the speaker was native Swedish, Norwegian, or German.
2) Walking through a doorway affects your memory.
3) Where can I find an adorable video of a cat hugging a baby kitten who is having a nightmare? Right here.
4) Your golden birthday is the year you turn the same age as the date on which you were born (e.g. turning 22 on the 22nd). The two most significant golden birthdays are 23 and 31. 
5) The Ancient Astronauts theory "proposes that historical texts, archaeology and legends contain evidence of past human-extraterrestrial contact." Upon review, I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens.

Far better

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

~Theodore Roosevelt

He and I

When words run dry,

he does not try,
nor do I.

We are on par.

He just is,
I just am
and we just are.

~Lang Leav

Wanna get high?

By far, the most common running question I'm asked is: What does a running high feel like?

So, full disclosure to newbie runners, part of what makes the running high so special is its elusiveness. Not every jog around the block is going to be a magic carpet ride of euphoria. The reality is, it's a million times more likely you'll feel each of the following sensations ten times over before you'll ever experience a runner's high:

• The Dehydration;
• Midnight soreness;
• Swamp shoe;
• Explosive chaffing;
• Inappropriate sweating; and/or
• Visceral instability.

But once you've earned your stripes, imagine that you're about three-quarters of the way through your daily run when suddenly, you notice a growing feeling of elation. Your legs feel a little stronger, your pace a little quicker. You feel like you could run another mile, another 10 miles. The sidewalk clears as the greatest song in the universe comes on your iPod. The Running Gods nod their approval. Each stride is enhanced, you're no longer a runner, you're a warrior. And is that, is that Olympic Gold Medalist Usain Bolt cheering you on?

U. Bolt: "Excellent form lady runner!" 

That said....

Proud Mary

Left a good job in the city
Working for the man every night and day
And I never lost one minute of sleeping
Worrying 'bout the way things might have been

~Creedence Clearwater Revival, Rolling On The River

Banged

Sober Self: "Wake up, you whore!"

Drunk Self: "Wha? What's goin' on? What time is it?"

Sober Self: "Look at my hair! What did you do last night?"

Drunk Self: "Shhh. It's early, come back to bed."

Sober Self: "Get up! This is an emergency. What happened?!?"

Drunk Self: "I just...cut your bangs...or whatever. It's cute."

Sober Self: "It's not cute."

Drunk Self: "You look like Audrey Hepburn."

Sober Self: "I look like Marie Osmond." 

Drunk Self: "Well, haters gonna hate."

Sober Self: "I have to go to work like this."

Drunk Self: "God, if you don't like it, just pin it back or something. You're such a bitch in the morning."

Sober Self: "What was that??"

Drunk Self: "You heard me."

Sober Self: "That's it! We're going running."

Drunk Self: "Wait! Wait, I'm sorry. Why don't you just lay down for a few hours and then we'll figure this hair thing out together."

Sober Self: "Too late, get dressed."

Drunk Self: "I'm going to puke on your new running shoes."

Sober Self: "You better, you had four Long Island Iced Teas last night. Do you know how many calories are in those?"

Paranoid Parrot

Welcome to my World 

Meg Ryan is a LIAR

Romantic comedies have told us a lot of lies over the years. They would have us believe that the following gestures are the height of romance:

• Emotional reunion in the rain; 
• Extended dance sequence; 
• Feeding one another (let the record show the only time it's ever appropriate to feed a significant other is after one of you has been hit by a bus); 
• Bathing one another (see above). 

But the number one, single most over-rated romantic activity of all time: the lazy Sunday in bed.

Oh sure, on paper it sounds delightful—a full day devoted entirely to gentle napping with that special someone. But the stark reality is a different story. My most recent "lazy Sunday" had all the relaxing zen of an internment camp. Ladies, don't be fooled, the moment you set foot in his apartment you're not a guest, you're a POW.

9:00am: The morning's off to a good start with some, er, adult cuddling. But it's a clever tactic to leave defenses lowered. Suddenly I'm ensnared in a snuggle/sleeper hold. There's no countermaneuver. As I lapse into unconsciousness I think, "Must... escape... the dry cleaners... closes at noon..."

3:00pm: W-Where am I? Hungry and disorientated I awaken behind enemy lines. With the fate of my "To-Do" list hanging in the balance, I negotiate for my release. But is that, is that reruns of The Wire I hear?

4:00pm: Morale has stabilized. I was able to convince my captor to allow me food rations so we ordered Chinese. I requested extra hot mustard sauce...but I didn't get any. War is hell.

10:00pm: Stockholm syndrome sets in and the mission fails. There's still a chance I could get to the grocery store today... but first let's watch just one more rerun of Mad Men.

Weather the weather

"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet." ~Roger Miller

"There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting." ~George Carlin

"I ran my fastest marathon in the rain." ~Bill Rodgers

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent." ~Dave Barry

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'" ~Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Fifty Shades of Stupid

One distinct advantage of utilizing dating websites for which I'm forever grateful is the "essay portion" of the online dating profile. Most dating sites display the standard stats: height, occupation, education, and then encourage you to go on and include additional information about yourself that your potential partner might find interesting. This prompt is intended to be the difference between a missed connection and a soul mate (e.g. No way, I thought I was the only one who acted out The Pirates of Penzance with my cats) but actually serves to alert you to potential narcissists, creepers, and weirdos.

As noted in a previous post, the more clever of the pack can sneak below our wackiness radar and enter into the dating pool. But the weaker members of the herd, less skilled at fraudulent word smithery, are forced to show their hand and lay their pair of crazies on the table. 

For example. I came across the profile of a fellow who shared the following tidbit about himself: He felt that his eyes changed color...

...based on his mood.

Like a mood ring, only way, waay stupider.

Initially, I think, alriiight, stranger things have happened, it's not outside that realm of possibility that this guy does have some sort of bizarre eye anomaly that causes a spontaneous change in eye color. And while linking it to his mood is so nonsensical my knee-jerk reaction is mercy kill him for the sake of future generations, this eye color change must be so dramatic and noticeable that he felt it warranted mention lest his date be startled. But he went on to elaborate. His eyes changed color - not from blue to yellow or hazel to red - but from brown...to dark brown.

Brown to dark brown. A hue differential so nondescript and utterly unnoteworthy that even M&M's recognized the insignificance and gave the tan color M its walking papers in 1997. And since that fateful day, no one has spent more than one minute of cognitive thought on the distinction between brown and dark brown, if for no other reason than unbridled fear that should they address an issue so staggeringly trivial they would be dragged into the streets and stoned for forcing anyone around them to opine, even for an instant, on the all encompassing idiocy of said concept.

Except for with shoes.

Obviously.

Fractured

My doctor diagnosed me with a stress fracture and told me that the recovery period was 6-8 weeks.

My attorney thinks he can get me off in 5.

With a running career that spans 12 years, 4 marathons, and over 10,000 miles, I suddenly find myself sidelined by the lamest of all sports injuries. It could have been the bad shoes, it could have been the uneven terrain, it could have been the years of an odd running technique described most acurately by my little brother as that of an "ambitious Velociraptor," (for the non-runners that means I run on my toes) but mid run a small section of my third upper metatarsal simply no longer wished to be connected to the lower portion.

Did you know evidence of stress fractures has been found in dinosaur bones? 

But it's not all bad. Like every woman, I love shoes, and I've gotten some brand new foot wear out of the deal. Gone are my stiletto heels and in their place is a stylish hard-soled, velcro-strapped foot brace. The foot brace not only helps to reduce the impact of weight bearing movement on my injury, it also gives me the seductive gait of a peg-legged pirate. Oh, and it prevents me from getting laid for the next 6-8 weeks.

Call it Love

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ~Dr. Seuss

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part VI

1) Lewis Carroll is considered a Jack the Ripper suspect. 
2) Ron DiFrancesco was the last person to make it out of the South Tower of the World Trade Center before it collapsed on September 11, 2001. One of only four people to escape from above the eighty-first floor, DiFrancesco described feeling a presence that guided him through the fire and smoke consumed stairwells.
3) You can learn a lot about yourself from just a few simple questions.
4) The Soundsnap website provides sound clips organized by category ranging from ice clinking in a glass to boat fog horn.
5) In 1903, a stone phallus weighing 2.2 tons was unearthed in rural Ohio. I would've guessed Idaho.  

Dating Over 30

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I'm sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through Bedford Stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I'm insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

~Billy Joel

The Quotable Runner

“If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon.” ~Emil Zatopek

“In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that.” ~Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder 

“If the furnace is hot enough, it will burn anything.” ~John L. Parker

“There are clubs you can't belong to, neighborhoods you can't live in, schools you can't get into, but the roads are always open.” ~Nike 

“Methinks that the moment my legs began to move, my thoughts began to flow.” ~Henry David Thoreau 

“Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second.” ~William James 

“Bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible.” ~William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

Drunkadamus

Everyone’s got a doomsday theory these days. You’re probably familiar with the usual end times entourage: Solar flares, the Mayans and their long count calendar (seriously I haven't seen a scheduling system that bad since Lotus Notes), and of course, good old Nostradamus who’s been predicting hell fire and doom for the past 500 years.

So it’s only fair that I get to throw my hat in the ring with a few last-call prophecies of my own. As a sage soothsayer who blends starling foresight with fine Kentucky bourbon, it’s the myth, the legend, the functioning alcoholic: Drunkadamus.

Gather round sports fans and let’s start this lampoon,
Don’t crowd Drunkadamus (I’ve been wasted since noon)
I've never liked being the bearer of bad news,
But mankind’s last days come with a number of clues.

No more ass and cart in these modern new ages,
Metal chariots will be built with levers and gauges.
With road rage and accidents off the proverbial charts. 
It's clear that the asses are now driving the carts.

A web thoughts now form that we all travel to,
Where a Nigerian prince has a business deal for just you.
This revolutionary creation makes the world intertwine,
And all for three simple payments of $19.99!

A whole flight you’ll now climb without taking a step,
It sounds crazy - yes - this foreign concept.
The technology is amazing but if truth must be told,
Often they’re broken and look like a staircase of old.

What can we do Drunkadamus? Who’ll come to our aid?
I can’t give a solution – that’s above my pay grade.
While it does sound quite grim, don’t worry my friend,
We have plenty of booze to last us till then!

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part V

1) Haven't planned your December 21, 2012 evacuation route out of the city? 
Visit http://dcatlas.dcgis.dc.gov/evac/ for all your escape needs.
2) Mankind is responsible for technological breakthroughs like graphene and nanorobotics but is incapable of producing a microwave that runs quieter than a nuclear reactor.
3) Blue is universally listed as mankind's favorite color with 42% of the vote from men and 27% from women.
4) There is no better breakfast than a warm croissant with nutella. 
5) There is no known explanation for why we laugh. At least that's what I say when people don't get my jokes.

Rube Goldberg

Melvin the Machine 

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part IV

1) Dr. Pepper was in fact believed to have been named after a real doctor, Charles T. Pepper, while Dr. Seuss was simply a pen name.
2) According to professional Rock Paper Scissor players, always go for paper.
3) My Myers-Briggs personality type is INFJ.

4) In 1997 the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration detected a series of extremely loud, low-frequency underwater sounds. Dubbed "The Bloop," the audio pattern resembled that of aquatic animals but was several times louder than any known animal sound. It's source is still unknown.
5) Let the music play down at Fraggle Rock. Or else.

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part III

1) Between 2:00am and 5:00am there is a monster in the bathroom who lives behind the shower curtain.   

2) Clocking in at 18.5 hours, Singapore Airlines Flight 21 is the longest regular scheduled non-stop flight.
3) William "The Refrigerator" Perry is the greatest football player of all time.
4) That stomachache you had earlier is probably indigestion. Or cancer.
5)  In rare instances, excessive consumption of nutmeg can result in a condition called nutmeg psychosis. Unlike law school, which invariably results in psychosis. Zing. 

When in Rome...

“When the whole world is crazy, it doesn't pay to be sane.” ~Terry Goodkind, The Pillars of Creation

“If we weren't all crazy we would go insane.” ~Jimmy Buffett

“Being crazy isn't enough.” ~Dr. Seuss

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.” ~W. C. Fields

“I may be crazy, but it keeps me from going insane.” ~Waylon Jennings

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” ~Albert Einstein

“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live.” ~Charles Bukowski

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part II

1) Jonathan Rhys Meyers is a terrible, terrible actor.

2) The real Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced by look-alike Billy Shepherd.  
3) Sleeve is a weird word.
4) Odd animal couples. I'm rooting for them.
5) Can't sleep? I bet you'd be more comfortable if you slept on your stomach, I mean, you're up anyway you should just try it...Hmm, you were more comfortable on your back, just flip back over and I won't bring it up again...But you know, when you sleep on your stomach you need your favorite pillow, try it once more, last time I promise...Ohh, that's right, you don't have that pillow anymore, sorry, sorry that one's on me... [Repeat for the next 2-7 hours]