Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part X

1) In a deck of cards, the King of Hearts is known as the suicide king or King Charles (named after Charlemagne). It's debated whether the sword striking the king is his own or another's. Suspects include the Queen of Spades.
2) This kitten doesn't want a bath. Been there right?
3) The Taman Shud Case is an unsolved case of an unidentified man found dead in South Australia in 1948. His body was found on Somerton beach with a half smoked cigarette and all the labels from his clothing removed. The phrase "tamam shud" which means "ended" or "finished" was written on a page from a collection of poems titled The Rubaiyat and was found in a hidden pocket of the man's pants.

4) Coffee's for closers only.
5) The Moai of Easter Island are monolithic human statues carved from rock. Archaeologists don't know why the statues were built, what they signified, how they were transported, or why they were abandoned unfinished. 

E-Fail

"Hi Mom!"

"Hi Peanut! Can you help me with the computer?"

"Sure, what are you trying to do?"

"I need to fax something to my Doctor. Daniel said we can fax using the computer?"

"Do you mean e-mail Mom?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"Okay, is the e-mail open on the screen?"

"How do you open an e-mail?"

"In Outlook. Look at the toolbar at the top of the screen and you should see a 'New' icon or you can click on 'File' and then choose 'New' from the drop-down menu."

"How do I open Outlook?"

"Okay, so go to the 'Start' menu at the bottom of the computer screen and click on 'All Programs'."

"Well, I'm not at the computer right now. I'm at the Doctor's office. My Doctor's actually right here, I'll just hand this form to him. You know, all this new technology isn't as great as people say. Love you Peanut, bye."

"You're right Mom. Love you too, bye."

L_VE

I once friend-zoned a guy because his eyes pointed in slightly different directions. Otherwise, he was a perfectly viable candidate: college-educated, well-spoken, decent-looking. But his eyes veered just the tiniest bit away from each other. Like maybe they were having a fight, like one of them had borrowed the others car and didn't refill the tank or told a mildly racist joke at a work function.

Wow, I got an earful from my girlfriends about that one. To hear them talk, you'd think I should've been grateful he even had eyes.

So my unresolved, interpersonal dysfunctions aside, the current national divorce rate still averages in at a heartwarming 40-50%. Let that statistic sink in the next time you find yourself at dinner party or neighborhood picnic. Almost every other couple is just a handful of broken promises away from a total amourous implosion.

A shame really, when nowadays, it seems like the path to everlasting romance is relativity obstacle-free. Star-crossed lovers no longer have to fear being separated by plague, famine, or Hun invasion. But in the calamity of our modern lives, we've grown cynical and closed off to the idea of true love or soul mates. Have we manufactured these self-imposed deal breakers to protect us from contemporary threats like disappointment, emotional intimacy, and heart break?

But I'm taking a stand. Not a literal one, of course — I've had a lot of wine tonight — but a figurative acknowledgement that "happily-ever-after" does exist. Genuine, fairy tale, gooey, true romantic love is laying in wait, like my bookie when I'm late on a loan payment for its moment to strike. If it wasn't we wouldn't have had any reason to question if it was ever there as an alternative at all. 

"Some say that true love is a mirage; seek it anyway, for all else is surely desert." ~Robert Brault

Memorial YAY!

My Memorial Day Weekend Plans:

1. Organize closet

2. Clean apartment

3. Catch up on laundry

4. Read Cloud Atlas

5. Eat a full jar of Nutella 

That smarts

ge·nius noun \ˈjēn-yəs, ˈjē-nē-əs\
a : a single strongly marked capacity or aptitude
b : extraordinary intellectual power especially as manifested in creative activity
c : a person endowed with transcendent mental superiority;especially : a person with a very high IQ

Maybe it sounds strange, but growing up, having a genius dad never really seemed like that big a deal. 

I mean, I knew he had a PhD in atomic physics from the University of Connecticut. 

And that our deep thoughts differed in their respective complexity:
Me: "Whatcha thinking about Dad?"
Dad: "Quantum entanglement. Whatcha thinking about Deb?"
Me: "If Penny [our cat] would change the color of her fur if she could."

But it wasn't until I was older and stumbled across his thesis defense while cleaning out a closet—Inelastic Energy Loss and Charge State Measurements of Inner-shell Excitations in Xenon Ion-atom Collisions...yeah, that's what SHE said—that I began to realize, and appreciate, the man who'd set a standard of intelligence for me so high that for the first two years I lived in DC, I thought the law firm I worked for was actually a non-profit organization specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.

And while personally, I may have misspelled the word genius on four separate occasions in the first draft of this post—which is weird because I only used the word twice—my top-shelf genetic stock does make me curious about how my own head smarts stack up. 

For a mere $18, Mensa's online test offers insight into your synaptic workings. So during a particularly slow day at work, I figured why not check it out? A decent IQ score might even make my parents proud enough to finally tell their friends that I work at a law firm and not as a grave robber. 

WARNING: Mensa's timed online timed test is...timed. Should you run short on time during this timed testing process, because you started the test, got distracted by something shiny, and forgot about it until you had two minutes left to complete it; stop and restart the test at a later time. Do not select all (C)s like they told you to do on the SATs. They lied to you, it does not work. 

Lack of mindfulness to the timing process may result in one or more of the following: 

• comically low test scores; 
• future mistrust of cognitive function; 
• uproarious laughter from friends and family; 
• shame-based hallucinations; and
• an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. 

The Charge Of The Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death,
  Rode the six hundred.
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
  Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the six hundred.

Boston

On April 15, 2013, two bombs exploded near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. My heart aches for the city, the victims, and the race. I pray that whoever is responsible for the attack will be found and brought to justice. 

If only they had known that there's no way to extinguish the spirit of the marathon. If only they had known that behind every Boston runner is a path of a thousand obstacles so much greater than this that have already been overcome. If only they had known that you don't fuck with Boston when it comes to their sports.    

"I am fighting God. Fighting the limitations he gave me. Fighting the pain. Fighting the unfairness. Fighting all the evil in me and the world. And I will not give in. I will conquer this Hill; and I will conquer it alone." ~George Sheehan

Doors

“close some doors today. not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere”

~ Paulo Coelho

Every Thing on It

"She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by-
And never knew."

~ Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part IX

1) The Talented Mr. Ripley is an incredibly under-rated movie.
2) Spooky action at a distance occurs faster than the speed of light.
3) Looking for an interactive cute cat picture website? Kittenwar might be the site for you.
4) Ever felt like you're not doing enough for the greater good of the world? You will after you read these 10 inspirational stories.
5) Spoiler Alert: I don't actually have insomnia, I'm only up because I'm getting over the flu and am coming off of 72 hours of straight sleep. Well, 50 hours of sleep, 22 hours of vivid hallucinations.

Nemesis

Along every career path there exists an Office Nemesis. 

What makes the Office Nemesis relationship so interesting is its often one-sided dynamic. Your average feud will originate from a dramatic event, such as an affair, violent fight, or sports team loss. 

But the catalyst behind an office clash is far more subtle, typically some imagined slight or perceived insult. For example:

"He never un-jams the printer because he thinks his job is more important than mine."

"She asks super involved questions at the very end of meetings because she has no respect for my schedule."

"He's always looking at me with his stupid face."

Since the source of these office dramas is largely self-manufactured, the resulting feuds are often played out entirely in our own minds.

Memento

As someone whose been involved in her fair share of interoffice disputes, it's worth some reflection. Maybe I do keep looking at them with my stupid face? 

But, I'm receptive to the idea that a little perspective can keep interactions with an Office Nemesis from resulting in unprofessional behavior, delayed deadlines, and workplace blackouts.

In my willingness to embrace a win-win approach to navigate workplace politics, I turned to my brother for his sensible, pragmatic advice. He advised,

"You've been freelancing for over a year.. you don't have any coworkers. I've heard you refer to your desk lamp as your boss..."

So a little compassion, patience, and understanding can works wonders in mending work dynamics. And I should know, my boss was total asshole.

Soulshine

When you can't find the light,
That got you through a cloudy day,
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way,
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away,
Now you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.
Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now sometimes I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones,
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn:"

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too,
Lord knows,
she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold,
You got to let your spirit take control.

~Allman Brothers

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part VIII

1) During World War II at the Sweden-Norway border, 77 was used as a password, because the tricky pronunciation in Swedish made it easy to instantly discern whether the speaker was native Swedish, Norwegian, or German.
2) Walking through a doorway affects your memory.
3) Where can I find an adorable video of a cat hugging a baby kitten who is having a nightmare? Right here.
4) Your golden birthday is the year you turn the same age as the date on which you were born (e.g. turning 22 on the 22nd). The two most significant golden birthdays are 23 and 31. 
5) The Ancient Astronauts theory "proposes that historical texts, archaeology and legends contain evidence of past human-extraterrestrial contact." Upon review, I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens.

Far better

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

~Theodore Roosevelt

He and I

When words run dry,

he does not try,
nor do I.

We are on par.

He just is,
I just am
and we just are.

~Lang Leav

Wanna get high?

By far, the most common running question I'm asked is: What does a running high feel like?

So, full disclosure to newbie runners, part of what makes the running high so special is its elusiveness. Not every jog around the block is going to be a magic carpet ride of euphoria. The reality is, it's a million times more likely you'll feel each of the following sensations ten times over before you'll ever experience a runner's high:

• The Dehydration;
• Midnight soreness;
• Swamp shoe;
• Explosive chaffing;
• Inappropriate sweating; and/or
• Visceral instability.

But once you've earned your stripes, imagine that you're about three-quarters of the way through your daily run when suddenly, you notice a growing feeling of elation. Your legs feel a little stronger, your pace a little quicker. You feel like you could run another mile, another 10 miles. The sidewalk clears as the greatest song in the universe comes on your iPod. The Running Gods nod their approval. Each stride is enhanced, you're no longer a runner, you're a warrior. And is that, is that Olympic Gold Medalist Usain Bolt cheering you on?

U. Bolt: "Excellent form lady runner!" 

That said....

Proud Mary

Left a good job in the city
Working for the man every night and day
And I never lost one minute of sleeping
Worrying 'bout the way things might have been

~Creedence Clearwater Revival, Rolling On The River

Banged

Sober Self: "Wake up, you whore!"

Drunk Self: "Wha? What's goin' on? What time is it?"

Sober Self: "Look at my hair! What did you do last night?"

Drunk Self: "Shhh. It's early, come back to bed."

Sober Self: "Get up! This is an emergency. What happened?!?"

Drunk Self: "I just...cut your bangs...or whatever. It's cute."

Sober Self: "It's not cute."

Drunk Self: "You look like Audrey Hepburn."

Sober Self: "I look like Marie Osmond." 

Drunk Self: "Well, haters gonna hate."

Sober Self: "I have to go to work like this."

Drunk Self: "God, if you don't like it, just pin it back or something. You're such a bitch in the morning."

Sober Self: "What was that??"

Drunk Self: "You heard me."

Sober Self: "That's it! We're going running."

Drunk Self: "Wait! Wait, I'm sorry. Why don't you just lay down for a few hours and then we'll figure this hair thing out together."

Sober Self: "Too late, get dressed."

Drunk Self: "I'm going to puke on your new running shoes."

Sober Self: "You better, you had four Long Island Iced Teas last night. Do you know how many calories are in those?"

Paranoid Parrot

Welcome to my World 

Meg Ryan is a LIAR

Romantic comedies have told us a lot of lies over the years. They would have us believe that the following gestures are the height of romance:

• Emotional reunion in the rain; 
• Extended dance sequence; 
• Feeding one another (let the record show the only time it's ever appropriate to feed a significant other is after one of you has been hit by a bus); 
• Bathing one another (see above). 

But the number one, single most over-rated romantic activity of all time: the lazy Sunday in bed.

Oh sure, on paper it sounds delightful—a full day devoted entirely to gentle napping with that special someone. But the stark reality is a different story. My most recent "lazy Sunday" had all the relaxing zen of an internment camp. Ladies, don't be fooled, the moment you set foot in his apartment you're not a guest, you're a POW.

9:00am: The morning's off to a good start with some, er, adult cuddling. But it's a clever tactic to leave defenses lowered. Suddenly I'm ensnared in a snuggle/sleeper hold. There's no countermaneuver. As I lapse into unconsciousness I think, "Must... escape... the dry cleaners... closes at noon..."

3:00pm: W-Where am I? Hungry and disorientated I awaken behind enemy lines. With the fate of my "To-Do" list hanging in the balance, I negotiate for my release. But is that, is that reruns of The Wire I hear?

4:00pm: Morale has stabilized. I was able to convince my captor to allow me food rations so we ordered Chinese. I requested extra hot mustard sauce...but I didn't get any. War is hell.

10:00pm: Stockholm syndrome sets in and the mission fails. There's still a chance I could get to the grocery store today... but first let's watch just one more rerun of Mad Men.

Weather the weather

"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet." ~Roger Miller

"There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting." ~George Carlin

"I ran my fastest marathon in the rain." ~Bill Rodgers

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent." ~Dave Barry

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'" ~Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Fifty Shades of Stupid

One distinct advantage of utilizing dating websites for which I'm forever grateful is the "essay portion" of the online dating profile. Most dating sites display the standard stats: height, occupation, education, and then encourage you to go on and include additional information about yourself that your potential partner might find interesting. This prompt is intended to be the difference between a missed connection and a soul mate (e.g. No way, I thought I was the only one who acted out The Pirates of Penzance with my cats) but actually serves to alert you to potential narcissists, creepers, and weirdos.

As noted in a previous post, the more clever of the pack can sneak below our wackiness radar and enter into the dating pool. But the weaker members of the herd, less skilled at fraudulent word smithery, are forced to show their hand and lay their pair of crazies on the table. 

For example. I came across the profile of a fellow who shared the following tidbit about himself: He felt that his eyes changed color...

...based on his mood.

Like a mood ring, only way, waay stupider.

Initially, I think, alriiight, stranger things have happened, it's not outside that realm of possibility that this guy does have some sort of bizarre eye anomaly that causes a spontaneous change in eye color. And while linking it to his mood is so nonsensical my knee-jerk reaction is mercy kill him for the sake of future generations, this eye color change must be so dramatic and noticeable that he felt it warranted mention lest his date be startled. But he went on to elaborate. His eyes changed color - not from blue to yellow or hazel to red - but from brown...to dark brown.

Brown to dark brown. A hue differential so nondescript and utterly unnoteworthy that even M&M's recognized the insignificance and gave the tan color M its walking papers in 1997. And since that fateful day, no one has spent more than one minute of cognitive thought on the distinction between brown and dark brown, if for no other reason than unbridled fear that should they address an issue so staggeringly trivial they would be dragged into the streets and stoned for forcing anyone around them to opine, even for an instant, on the all encompassing idiocy of said concept.

Except for with shoes.

Obviously.

Fractured

My doctor diagnosed me with a stress fracture and told me that the recovery period was 6-8 weeks.

My attorney thinks he can get me off in 5.

With a running career that spans 12 years, 4 marathons, and over 10,000 miles, I suddenly find myself sidelined by the lamest of all sports injuries. It could have been the bad shoes, it could have been the uneven terrain, it could have been the years of an odd running technique described most acurately by my little brother as that of an "ambitious Velociraptor," (for the non-runners that means I run on my toes) but mid run a small section of my third upper metatarsal simply no longer wished to be connected to the lower portion.

Did you know evidence of stress fractures has been found in dinosaur bones? 

But it's not all bad. Like every woman, I love shoes, and I've gotten some brand new foot wear out of the deal. Gone are my stiletto heels and in their place is a stylish hard-soled, velcro-strapped foot brace. The foot brace not only helps to reduce the impact of weight bearing movement on my injury, it also gives me the seductive gait of a peg-legged pirate. Oh, and it prevents me from getting laid for the next 6-8 weeks.

Call it Love

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ~Dr. Seuss

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part VI

1) Lewis Carroll is considered a Jack the Ripper suspect. 
2) Ron DiFrancesco was the last person to make it out of the South Tower of the World Trade Center before it collapsed on September 11, 2001. One of only four people to escape from above the eighty-first floor, DiFrancesco described feeling a presence that guided him through the fire and smoke consumed stairwells.
3) You can learn a lot about yourself from just a few simple questions.
4) The Soundsnap website provides sound clips organized by category ranging from ice clinking in a glass to boat fog horn.
5) In 1903, a stone phallus weighing 2.2 tons was unearthed in rural Ohio. I would've guessed Idaho.  

Dating Over 30

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I'm sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through Bedford Stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I'm insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

~Billy Joel

The Quotable Runner

“If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon.” ~Emil Zatopek

“In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that.” ~Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder 

“If the furnace is hot enough, it will burn anything.” ~John L. Parker

“There are clubs you can't belong to, neighborhoods you can't live in, schools you can't get into, but the roads are always open.” ~Nike 

“Methinks that the moment my legs began to move, my thoughts began to flow.” ~Henry David Thoreau 

“Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second.” ~William James 

“Bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible.” ~William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

Drunkadamus

Everyone’s got a doomsday theory these days. You’re probably familiar with the usual end times entourage: Solar flares, the Mayans and their long count calendar (seriously I haven't seen a scheduling system that bad since Lotus Notes), and of course, good old Nostradamus who’s been predicting hell fire and doom for the past 500 years.

So it’s only fair that I get to throw my hat in the ring with a few last-call prophecies of my own. As a sage soothsayer who blends starling foresight with fine Kentucky bourbon, it’s the myth, the legend, the functioning alcoholic: Drunkadamus.

Gather round sports fans and let’s start this lampoon,
Don’t crowd Drunkadamus (I’ve been wasted since noon)
I've never liked being the bearer of bad news,
But mankind’s last days come with a number of clues.

No more ass and cart in these modern new ages,
Metal chariots will be built with levers and gauges.
With road rage and accidents off the proverbial charts. 
It's clear that the asses are now driving the carts.

A web thoughts now form that we all travel to,
Where a Nigerian prince has a business deal for just you.
This revolutionary creation makes the world intertwine,
And all for three simple payments of $19.99!

A whole flight you’ll now climb without taking a step,
It sounds crazy - yes - this foreign concept.
The technology is amazing but if truth must be told,
Often they’re broken and look like a staircase of old.

What can we do Drunkadamus? Who’ll come to our aid?
I can’t give a solution – that’s above my pay grade.
While it does sound quite grim, don’t worry my friend,
We have plenty of booze to last us till then!

Insomnia and Me: 5 Things I've learned before 5:00am - Part V

1) Haven't planned your December 21, 2012 evacuation route out of the city? 
Visit http://dcatlas.dcgis.dc.gov/evac/ for all your escape needs.
2) Mankind is responsible for technological breakthroughs like graphene and nanorobotics but is incapable of producing a microwave that runs quieter than a nuclear reactor.
3) Blue is universally listed as mankind's favorite color with 42% of the vote from men and 27% from women.
4) There is no better breakfast than a warm croissant with nutella. 
5) There is no known explanation for why we laugh. At least that's what I say when people don't get my jokes.

Rube Goldberg

Melvin the Machine